#1
Here's a song I wrote and recorded this weekend. Please comment on this and I'll comment on yours

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KzhUDBeLOsA

I met I girl
Across the milky way
Her eyes like perls
Just looked away

I got closer...
And closer...

I took her hand
And then she smiled
Oh! Quaked the land!
I felt like a child!

Then we danced...
and danced...

But, I'm ready to dance with someone else
Yeah, I'm ready to dance with someone else

Years had passed
But still I felt
Just like a blast...
And still I melt

When she smiles...
she smiles...

Now she flies
Above my cloud
And all those lies
I'm not so proud

Yeah I lied...
I lied.

But, I'm ready to dance with someone else
Yeah, I'm ready to dance with someone else

Yeah, I'm ready to dance with someone else
Yeah, I'm ready to dance with someone else
Yeah, I'm ready to dance with someone else
Yeah, I'm ready to dance with someone else
#2
Nice

The moral of the story is... As soon as something better comes along I'm ditching this biatch.

Love it.
#3
Thanks for the comment, glad you liked it. The first refrain let's you think, like you said, that I like switching girls just for fun because the story hasn't told yet why "I'm ready to dance with someone else".

The last verse should should tell you that something went wrong with that girl, right?

Now she flies
Above my cloud
And all those lies
I'm not so proud

She was freed like a bird trapped in a cage and she's now flying above the thundercloud hanging over my head... sadness, I regret those lies

I think that makes the song change it's meaning as you listen to it. Nostalgia should be the main theme, right?
#4
Quite dislike the vocals. Might just be my personal tastes. Not like you're not hitting the notes, I just hear no emotion in it when it sounds like it should be quite an emotional song. Quite a lack of tone and character.
#5
Hey AJScott! Thanks for the comment, I don't consider myself as a good signer. I usually scream my lyrics (I usually play hard rock/metal). Though, if you think the vocals have no emotions, that means I kind of succeeded as I was trying to pastiche "The National". Listen to this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jpz_gUyImhw

I know I'm not that good of a singer! I'm working on that
#6
Quote by AJScott
Quite dislike the vocals. Might just be my personal tastes. Not like you're not hitting the notes, I just hear no emotion in it when it sounds like it should be quite an emotional song. Quite a lack of tone and character.


It reminded me of Joy Divisions Love will tear us apart.
#7
I personally like the vocal style. Cool song. Definitely hear the National and Joy Division in this.
Good work!
#8
Hey dude!

A very cool song! It engulfs you immediately and your vocals really get the message across, don't listen to the above participant who said they were emotionless, that person just couldn't get past their own preferences.

I am personally not a big fan of that kind of music but I can totally feel there's a clear message to this song. If I didn't know it was your song, I'd definitely credit a major 80s/90s band with it (sorry, not very big on names either). So, the execution might not be to everyone's liking but it's professional and to the point.
#9
Wow... Comments like that make your day! Big thank you. When I have more like that in English (I'm a french Canadian), I'll post them here also.