#1
Oh, the world moves slowly away
and, by each frame, we leave a trace,
so I can see a picture
of each time you’ve walked this room;
at first timid, then at ease
to walk in your underwear and give me a kiss
until your lips marked their place
on all of my pubescent pores.

Now I’m growing in flashbacks.
I can feel you behind all my acts
as I constantly make comparisons
between bed interests and a love I had.
I’ve a quarter of a heart to give,
but, without it, how am I supposed to live
while you do your best at
playing pretend and your best is pretty enough?

I was never prone to jealousy,
but I can’t fight what’s raging in me,
as I watch you master the art of getting by
and I struggle to even half-live.
You’re an architect at raising walls.
I only get glimpses of your halls.
I am left to contemplate the details
of the towers you built for me to fall from.

Been having a recurring dream, where
I’m hopeless and entirely aware
of it, so I jump out of your bedroom window
as I try to hold your Rapunzel hair,
and I always wake up feeling like
my survival instincts have died
with the three quarters of heart I gave you,
‘cause you’d take better care of them than I.

Do you revisit this bittersweet place
that kept us going through helpless days?
Do you invite your affairs and your friends
and your fucks there not to let it fade?
It’s a holy thing two persons’ hands
have created without guidelines or plans.
I’ve been keeping in touch with my goddess
like I do with my inexcusable friends.

I’m one step from taking one step too many,
but I love you too much to let it
take hold of my composure. I only
need a week of dialogue to tell me
that this thing is far from dying;
saying the opposite would be lying,
‘cause I visit these buildings, these pictures,
this religion when I feel far from surviving.


This is the underworld we designed when we were looking for safe land.


Bad recording filled with mistakes and other stuff I couldn't be arsed to correct for a home recording: https://soundcloud.com/the-bedroom-session/underworld-home-recording
#2
Hey Andre, it's great to read from you again. Since I've been back I've been eagerly awaiting a post.

I have to say, this isn't my favorite from you. It's definitely not bad, and it certainly has its moments--for example, the first stanza is great. It's a perfect opener, I think, because it drags me in; there's no way I could read that stanza and stop reading.

The second and third stanzas don't do a lot for me. Mostly because there seems to be too many unoriginal/forced rhymes (flashbacks/acts, give/live, walls/halls). I really like the imagery of an architect raising walls, but I don't like what you did with it in that next line with the "halls" rhyme.

The next stanza is great; I love the Rapunzel reference--I think it works really well.

I like the start of the next stanza, but these two lines confuse me: "Do you invite your affairs and your friends and your ****s there not to let it fade?" I don't understand what the end of that sentence means. I really enjoy the progression from affairs, to friends, to ****s, but I just don't understand what "not to let it fade" means in this context.

The last stanza is great, but again, I'm not a fan of the "dying/lying" rhyme. I think that could be more creative. Further, the very last line (one that isn't in a stanza) is almost too jarring and obvious. By which I mean, it basically just tells us exactly what you just told us in all of the previous stanzas, which to me cheapened the care and imagery that you put into the rest of the piece. I would have liked to see it end at "surviving."

All of this to say, there are places that I think it's weaker than a lot of the stuff I've seen from you, but the more I go over it to write this post, the more I enjoy it. It's definitely growing on me. And, to be fair, I haven't listened to the recording, and that might make a significant difference.

Regardless, it's great to read you again, man. I hope you're doing well.
#3
Hey Brett !

Honestly, I wrote this yesterday at dawn because I thought I needed to write something. I didn't have a formed idea so basically let it flow, while building a melody and a rhythm in my head.

Basically, when I reached the end, I realized it had all been about a metaphorical place where lovers build their idea of love. It's not a real place and it doesn't reflect in anything specific but that feeling of being in love. Bringing affairs, friends and ****s into that idea keeps that idea alive. If you don't compare interactions with an interaction that made you fall in love, I think you're most likely to forget what love really feels like. Much like when you don't kiss anyone for a long time and then you kiss and you remember how you kind have forgotten what kisses truly felt like, and how differently people kiss. The same applies to all kind of interactions, be them sexual or not. I don't know; I kind of juggled around that thought really.

It's funny you mentioned that last line. I almost omitted it from the post, because it's only an outro for the song, but since I posted the song I decided to keep it there.

But you're right, it's pretty irrelevant for the piece as a whole.

I'll check on your latest later this week, when I feel I'm on the right mindset to give somewhat of a crit.

Thanks for your opinion and it's a joy to see you in here.