#2
Happy Lee/Jackson day everybody!
Scarred for life!

Rig:
Gibson LPC
Jackson DK10D
Fender HM Strat
Custom built Tele-type
Alvarez 5040 Koa
Epiphone 12 string
Blue Voodoo 50
Dunlop 213 slide
Fender M-80 chorus
Digitech Jimi Hendrix Experience
#4
agreed on the first stanza with synth. i am not crazy about the second either, especially the last line. it's too obvious for my taste, with the title and all.
#5
agreed on the title. I think you could do some cool things with the title and second stanza. A new title could really transform this piece. I really love what you're doing here with flow, content, and line breaks though, keep it up.
#6
Last line.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching