surprised this hasn't received any attention.

brevity is a tough thing to pull off, but this is almost does it. i think the last two lines are the culprits: they feel like cop-out endings compared to the material that precedes them. perhaps i would even say that the two sentences of the poem are a bit incongruous. perhaps more continuity between the two phrases could tie this together a bit more.

the opener phrase is quite great though. stick with it, see what comes....