#1
I apologise via autobiography
with my essence suppressed;
I loved you more than a man should dare.
This was the end of the road for me;
I had lost myself
therein concatenation,
humans called it prosaic.
I was never one for semantics;
I speak only in encryption
because I was never the divine
to begin with.

On that note, I speak to you
via the heuristic; sometimes
I am a paper tiger. Sometimes
I am too stubborn to die. Sometimes
I am one with soma - but, mostly,
I never existed (to begin with).

Dear Susan,
your name embodies
more than you can comprehend.
Your sincerity is how I got well...
I am sorry,
there is always something in my eyes.

Your face no longer resembles mine -
isotropic; my Jesus beard
fashions the impending tautology.
And, now, you have left me
like you promised.

Will you ever know me?
Do you still remember me?

You extrapolate me
just like a woman
is when I learned to celebrate.
#2
i have a few gripes here, but please know that my critique is in no way a slight towards your feelings, previous circumstances or your circumstance currently. i have nothing but respect and sympathy for those things.

that being said, i find parts of this to be really compelling: sometimes you hit on a word choice, an image, a phrase that resonates well. and when that happens, it has weight to it. the opening two lines are incredible, honestly; the images that develop in the second paragraph are quite nice; and the couplet that precedes the very ending is poignant, as well as the ending of the stanza before them.

however, while certain parts are great, there's a few things preventing this from ascending higher. i would say the word choice is inconsistent and often too academic (the latter could be a matter of my personal taste): 'concatenation', 'prosaic', 'encryption', all within four or five lines of another was a tad like being flogged; further, 'heuristic', and 'soma' were confusing; 'impending tautology' and 'isotropic' didn't add anything to the piece and came across as pedantic.

at a couple other junctures i found myself perplexed by your choice of words. "more than you can comprehend" is OK, but strange, only because 'comprehend' is not such a common word to use (at least in the social settings i frequent). "you extrapolate me" also felt strange in this sense.

my final gripe is the overall development and succinctness of your events and choices. often this felt slow and sort of delirious. the way the first stanza develops and ends seems odd: you end on a note of humanity, which feels strong, but immediately abandon it ("on that note", which i didn't care for as a transition). the second stanza is good, develops well, albeit currently feels a bit jarring coming from the first stanza. third stanza is weakest in the piece: it doesn't bring anything new to the table, develop any previous images, and is a tad out of voice with its bluntness. "i am sorry / there is always something in my eyes" needs major reworking or removal, as it breaks too much with the voice you've established and falls very flat. the fourth stanza could be reworked to perhaps be clearer, but it ends well and we are taken out of the piece well enough. i would've liked a more definite ending, something a bit girthier, but the understatement of the ending could be tactful, especially if the preceding parts are cleaned up.

wow. this critique turned out quite long. again, as i prefaced, i mean no offense. this piece has potential. if you could make it all as strong as the first two lines, it would be truly incredible.

thanks for posting.
#3
Quote by hippieboy444
i have a few gripes here, but please know that my critique is in no way a slight towards your feelings, previous circumstances or your circumstance currently. i have nothing but respect and sympathy for those things.

that being said, i find parts of this to be really compelling: sometimes you hit on a word choice, an image, a phrase that resonates well. and when that happens, it has weight to it. the opening two lines are incredible, honestly; the images that develop in the second paragraph are quite nice; and the couplet that precedes the very ending is poignant, as well as the ending of the stanza before them.

however, while certain parts are great, there's a few things preventing this from ascending higher. i would say the word choice is inconsistent and often too academic (the latter could be a matter of my personal taste): 'concatenation', 'prosaic', 'encryption', all within four or five lines of another was a tad like being flogged; further, 'heuristic', and 'soma' were confusing; 'impending tautology' and 'isotropic' didn't add anything to the piece and came across as pedantic.

at a couple other junctures i found myself perplexed by your choice of words. "more than you can comprehend" is OK, but strange, only because 'comprehend' is not such a common word to use (at least in the social settings i frequent). "you extrapolate me" also felt strange in this sense.

my final gripe is the overall development and succinctness of your events and choices. often this felt slow and sort of delirious. the way the first stanza develops and ends seems odd: you end on a note of humanity, which feels strong, but immediately abandon it ("on that note", which i didn't care for as a transition). the second stanza is good, develops well, albeit currently feels a bit jarring coming from the first stanza. third stanza is weakest in the piece: it doesn't bring anything new to the table, develop any previous images, and is a tad out of voice with its bluntness. "i am sorry / there is always something in my eyes" needs major reworking or removal, as it breaks too much with the voice you've established and falls very flat. the fourth stanza could be reworked to perhaps be clearer, but it ends well and we are taken out of the piece well enough. i would've liked a more definite ending, something a bit girthier, but the understatement of the ending could be tactful, especially if the preceding parts are cleaned up.

wow. this critique turned out quite long. again, as i prefaced, i mean no offense. this piece has potential. if you could make it all as strong as the first two lines, it would be truly incredible.

thanks for posting.

Absolutely no offense was taken. This is no longer a sensitive subject for me (thanks to the therapy). I wanted this to have a different aesthetics to that of "Northern Atheist"; I didn't want things to be too obvious to the readers. Failed experimentation, but it did read a little bit different to my usual output which is what I have been trying to do with my latest pieces.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 15, 2015,
#4
i would not call this a fail experiment by any means. i think it is good that you are trying new things and finding different approaches, as it's a necessary step for any artist to take. this piece just needs some polishing.