#1
our flesh hangs closer,
our thoughts further away.


I, the peak in the distance,
gazed upon,
begged you to climb me -

your shy grin
at the request.

I watched you walk toward
and lose sight of
the top,

as I
slowly became


the ground.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal at Mar 4, 2015,
#3
For such a short poem this has a really well-defined pace that you set up with the line breaks and stanzas. It thins out as it reaches the end, and without that I think the flat-ness of "the ground" wouldn't be so immediate. The ground isn't necessarily a thing that evokes that flatness by itself, but it really carries that extra meaning well with what you've done with the space...and stuff.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Feb 22, 2015,
#4
I agree with Ganoosh, pacing is very strong here. You manage space in a poem well (I've always thought this) when a lot of people don't really consider it.

Your first stanza blows things way up, or zooms them way out, or whatever. The poem feels deductive. It's like an argument and you've got me where I don't know how to respond.

"walk over" in the fourth stanza is potentially construable as either "come closer to me (you)" or "pass entirely over the top," which is an ambiguity I'm not sure helps you. I read it both ways, but I think you meant the latter.
#5
i feel like this is sort of sexual. but then again, it isn't. it's very two-sided, i could take these descriptions in a literal (though still metaphorical) form, which would describe a sort of intimance.

but if you look at the poem, and the associations tied to certain phrases ("i slowly became / the ground", the title itself), it seems to show a sort of tragedy, a decay. like you wanted something more, and the other person took advantage of this.

the word "slowly" in particular moved this in a different way. if it would've been any other descriptor, it would've completely changed the interpretation- as in, if you were to change it to "quickly", it would have hit much harder and changed the tone to something more aggressive. perhaps even masking the double meaning i see here.

overall, i read this as something that conveys longing, while simultaneously conveying the exact opposite of that. sometimes vagueness in writing doesn't add power, but i feel like you knew exactly what you were doing when you didn't clarify everything- show, don't tell (although i think that this view is flawed, it makes a strong example here)

i enjoyed this. please keep writing.
Last edited by Dregen at Feb 24, 2015,
#6
Quote by vintage x metal
our flesh hangs closer,
our thoughts further away.


I, the peak in the distance,
gazed upon,
begged you to climb me -

your shy grin
at the request.

I watched you walk over
and lose sight of
the top,

as I
slowly became


the ground.


I would change "hangs" to "hang". But, apart from that, I really liked this; you did very well with the line-breaks!
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 24, 2015,
#7
<3
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
thanks so much for the crits, everyone. I was really surprised - sometimes I long so much for the feedback pool we once accrued - it was lovely to come back to so many words.

let me know if there is anything of your's that wants a crit, even if it's old. links links links

I changed a word, Erich, and I think it clears up the very good point you brought up


Quote by Dregen
i feel like this is sort of sexual. but then again, it isn't. it's very two-sided, i could take these descriptions in a literal (though still metaphorical) form, which would describe a sort of intimance.

but if you look at the poem, and the associations tied to certain phrases ("i slowly became / the ground", the title itself), it seems to show a sort of tragedy, a decay. like you wanted something more, and the other person took advantage of this.

the word "slowly" in particular moved this in a different way. if it would've been any other descriptor, it would've completely changed the interpretation- as in, if you were to change it to "quickly", it would have hit much harder and changed the tone to something more aggressive. perhaps even masking the double meaning i see here.

overall, i read this as something that conveys longing, while simultaneously conveying the exact opposite of that. sometimes vagueness in writing doesn't add power, but i feel like you knew exactly what you were doing when you didn't clarify everything- show, don't tell (although i think that this view is flawed, it makes a strong example here)

i enjoyed this. please keep writing.

you really hit the nail on the head. it made me very happy to read this crit. thanks for taking the time to, you know, dig in
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja