#1
Here are the tribal drums/hear
the tribal drums - they are
falling apart. Now dance
with the flesh, until you have
nothing left
to be ashamed of.

We are among the sands.
We are one with our ancestors.


Look at the women, shaking off the yoke
from the skin of their thighs. How does it feel
to be free, at last?
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 28, 2015,
#2
*the tribal drums - they are
falling apart. Now dance*

What I like here is how you give so much color to the drums falling apart by ending the sentence and putting the imperative "now dance" in the same line. To me it suggests motion, like the drums are falling apart because we're banging on them incessantly, frantically. That couples with "women shaking the yoke from the skin of their thighs", an even more frantic image, and builds up this motion that's offset with the very lines you physically set apart from the rest of the poem. To me, feeling a sense of "unity" with my ancestors isn't something that pairs itself with loudness and dancing. It's an interesting contrast between these two kinds of spirituality, I think.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
The emphasis on the internal lines with the formatting was quite effective. i can't help feeling that different punctuation might help make it even more effective - a semi-colon instead of periods?

The first line of "here are the drums/hear the drums" felt redundant. while the play on here/hear was neat, there's nothing lost to my mind in simply having one or the other preceding "they are falling apart" line, which is so strong that it nearly speaks for itself and needs little introduction.

My only gripe is that last line. I can't help wondering if that's really the best line you could offer or a sort of cop-out. I almost always say this to a lot of the pieces i read here because having a killer last line is so difficult but so necessary. while the current line makes sense and is fine, i wonder if you couldn't do better.

thanks for posting.
#4
Quote by hippieboy444
The emphasis on the internal lines with the formatting was quite effective. i can't help feeling that different punctuation might help make it even more effective - a semi-colon instead of periods?

The first line of "here are the drums/hear the drums" felt redundant. while the play on here/hear was neat, there's nothing lost to my mind in simply having one or the other preceding "they are falling apart" line, which is so strong that it nearly speaks for itself and needs little introduction.

My only gripe is that last line. I can't help wondering if that's really the best line you could offer or a sort of cop-out. I almost always say this to a lot of the pieces i read here because having a killer last line is so difficult but so necessary. while the current line makes sense and is fine, i wonder if you couldn't do better.

thanks for posting.



Just to comment further on the last line, I actually think it's really thematically consistent. Women breaking free from ancestors, tribal drums and tribalism honoring ancestors, everything falling apart. The question is what's left when it falls apart, when the sands blow away, when we break free and forget about dancing and the people move freeeeeeeeeely.

Not saying the wording itself couldn't be changed, but I do like the thought behind it.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black