#1
I don't care much for Bukowski,
not like I did when I was younger.
I guess being an old drunk
stopped being romantic
when I became one too.
All these fools I worshiped as a child,
killed themselves slowly,
or suddenly,
depending on who you ask.
And maybe now that I'm doing the same thing,
it's not as glamorous when it's my body
instead of there's.

Cirrhosis and tobacco stains,
were so much cooler as a kid,
when I would live forever
and none of those rules applied to me.
#2
i quite like the first stanza. it flows well and is succinct. the second seems to leave the piece a bit short. i feel like i'm harping on everyone these days about endings, but they're so hard to write. maybe this isn't the short of piece that needs to be clinched or have a heavy ending, but even the content in the final stanza doesn't shine like all that precedes it. so in that way, you're ending on what is the least strong material.

think on it. i never liked Bukowski at all. the romantic nihilism didn't catch on with me. thanks for posting.
#3
You know, I agree about the difference between the first and last parts. I felt like the first 5 lines of the poem would be a killer ending. It would also be extremely ironic because it's reminiscent of how Bukowski's poem tend to end with some kind of inflammatory revelation of new information or new commentary on something that deviates from the rest of the piece. And the funny part about that is that no matter how you feel about Bukowski now, the fact that you once really liked him has inherently left an irreversible impression on your writing and thinking. In my case, I used to be a huge Kurt Vonnegut nutcase when I was a teenager, and although I don't really read any Vonnegut anymore or think that he's particularly great, that experience is still inseparable from myself and my writing.

This is very candid and honest. Nice work.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
I think this piece needs some physical separation after the first five lines, which are almost a parody of Bukowski in their construction. Or maybe those first five line would work better as an interjection within the rest of the piece? I think you need to work with the transition, I think there is definitely a change in pace that needs recognition.

I don't like Bukowski, I think he has a bit of a half arsed aesthetic, but I like your writing as anti-Bukowski, you de-romanticise everything poetry tries to make romantic, that is something I can respect.
#5
Last part. <3
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
Great sentiment. I'd wager you can do it better.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in