#1

and they, 
they are searching for the next 
drop of amarant red
          to whet their
          lips-


i will just have to 
        take pride in destroying
        myself. a winchester 
pocket knife bows afore
             the soft shoulder
             of a statue; 
i grimace, half-grinning
and sensing a slight trickle. the 
     uproar of the 
          audience is
          deafening. pricks
          on the tips of the eardrums,
          hisses of cobras spitting
          venom. this isn't enough-
          they shriek; they ask; they
          insist- what does the
          inside of my head look like?


          i oblige.                      and they are
                                  demanding an encore
                              but i can rest. i don't
                         hear them anymore. the stage
                     is splattered with the dregs and
              molten slag of a self-inflicted autopsy.


[i]in carnivorous excitement, someone thrusts their hands into the 
pile of gore. my body is dragged off-stage into the crowd, and they
ferry me in a tidal wave of hands toward the farthest end of the theatre.
i am dropped and abandoned there; i have reached my expiration date. 
and the next person enters, stepping onto the platform. the stage has
still not been cleaned.[/i]
Last edited by Dregen at May 19, 2015,
#2
I love the content, demanding an encore of an irreversible suicide is really biting. I just watched Birdman last night and this is reminiscent of something Michael Keaton's character would maybe write on a scrap of paper and tuck in a journal somewhere.

Do you mind if I ask you about some specifics of the formatting you've chosen? Is there any reason behind the tabs in the line breaks after "i will just have to" and "pocket knife bows afore"? The intiutive thing seems like the indented lines would be bracketed off and have only to do with the kind of "subtitle" line above it. But particularly the line "winchester pocket knife" runs together between the indented and non-indented lines. It runs together kind of like someone's brains on a stage, or the thoughts of a suicidal person. I just wanted to know if you had any more specific thoughts behind that choice.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Quote by Ganoosh
I love the content, demanding an encore of an irreversible suicide is really biting. I just watched Birdman last night and this is reminiscent of something Michael Keaton's character would maybe write on a scrap of paper and tuck in a journal somewhere.

Do you mind if I ask you about some specifics of the formatting you've chosen? Is there any reason behind the tabs in the line breaks after "i will just have to" and "pocket knife bows afore"? The intiutive thing seems like the indented lines would be bracketed off and have only to do with the kind of "subtitle" line above it. But particularly the line "winchester pocket knife" runs together between the indented and non-indented lines. It runs together kind of like someone's brains on a stage, or the thoughts of a suicidal person. I just wanted to know if you had any more specific thoughts behind that choice.


i never seen the movie you are talking about, but after looking it up a bit, it seems interesting in relation to this.

a lot of my line breaks and spacing are just mainly for flow enhancement.

(optional wall-of-text below)

sometimes i use them to consciously alter the meaning, but in this it was really just to strengthen emphasis on some words to give the narration an attitude/tone of voice. first and last words in a line typically have the strongest emphasis. on the other hand, altering the indents between two lines allows me to mess with that a bit; it allows you to make the reader speed up or slow down on a whim. the closer you keep the emphasized words in physical space, the less jarring - and vice-versa - they are to a reader. sometimes.

i don't know. other than that, i can't really explain the choices i made here. this was mostly drafted in two-ish hours, and i took care not to completely revise and modify the tone that this had originally. sometimes it just feels right (or wrong, i guess, depending on your perspective here).

i am thinking of changing "ask" to "beg" though. i'm not sure about that yet. i also wanted to make the phrase "what does the inside of my head look like?" more ambiguous, like it could've been either the narrator or the audience saying it. but i haven't found a good way to do it.
Last edited by Dregen at Mar 1, 2015,
#4
Don't change "ask" to "beg." A lot of your word choices are very charged already (bow, grimace, oblige, etc.) and mostly I think you keep it just under control but it's the kind of thing that can get excessive easily here.

You handle the ambiguity of "what does the inside of my head look like?" well already. I was going to say that it seems much more like the narrator saying it but I double-checked and it seemed more like the audience. You set it up like it's the audience with the sentence before it but the actual question is worded like the narrator says it.