#1
Now mind meld has given all us pitgoers a chance to share our twisted jokes I reckon we need 1 for big long story jokes.......
Heres mine:

An elderly English gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready." The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France !" The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D- Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any bloody Frenchmen to show it to"

#2
So this black dude decided to go to the club with one purpose in mind, and that's to bang himself a hot white chick.

He gets dressed up and hits the scene. Finds himself a bumpin' location and makes his way through line and inside. He takes his time and chills at the bar to survey the situation. Through the crowd, he sees a gorgeous, obviously single girl. He goes up and asks to dance and she accepts. They dance for a while, then closer, and closer, and grind and grind and eventually she leans into his ear and says "let's go back to my place for coffee." Well, it's 2am, so he knows what that means.

They take a taxi and they're just barely through the door of her apartment before they start ripping each other's clothes off. They're making out and moving their hands up an down one another. Eventually, she's on her knees completely naked, and he's standing with just his boxers on.

She asks, "So, it's it true what I hear about black guys?" in a coy fashion, about to drop his underwear.

He replies, "Yeah, let me show you."

So he stabs her and steals her purse.


Best part about this joke is that I learned it from a black guy. I then asked him to tell me a joke about white people, to which he replied, "there's nothing funny about good credit."
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
Last edited by JustRooster at Feb 24, 2015,
#4
"There are three men on a train. One of them is an economist and one of them is a logician and one of them is a mathematician. And they have just crossed the border into Scotland (I don't know why they are going to Scotland) and they see a brown cow standing in a field from the window of the train (and the cow is standing parallel to the train). And the economist says, 'Look, the cows in Scotland are brown.' And the logician says, 'No. There are cows in Scotland of which at least one is brown.' And the mathematician says, 'No. There is at least one cow in Scotland, of which one side appears to be brown.' And this is funny because economists are not real scientists and because logicians think more clearly, but mathematicians are best."


As it turns out the cow they saw was just a cardboard cutout.
#5
There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want a truck full of pink ping pong balls?"

His son replied.

"My father. Please humour me for a while longer. I will tell you when the time is right."

His father agreed and ordered a truck full of pink ping pong balls. The boy said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go into the truck and spend the night playing with the pink ping pong balls?"

The father agreed and the boy spent the night in the truck. When the father went back to check on him in the morning, all the pink ping pong balls were gone, and only the boy was left, sleeping in the back of the truck.

The day before the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one oil tanker full of ping pong balls."

The father was very confused by this and had to ask again.

"My son can you tell me why you want these pink ping pong balls?"

His son replied.

"My father. Please humour me for a while longer. I will tell you when the time is right."

His father once again, agreed and bought all the ping pong ball factories in the world and made the workers work overtime to produce all the pink ping pong balls needed. He also bought an oil tanker and a pump, a crane and a dump truck to get all the ping pong balls in overnight. On his birthday, his father gave him the oil tanker full of pink ping pong balls. The boy said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go into the oil tanker and spend the night playing with the pink ping pong balls?"

Now the father had expected this and had made sure the oil tanker was completely safe for the boy's use. He agreed and the boy went into the oil tanker for the night. The next morning, when the father went to check, all he found was his son sleeping in the ship with all the pink pong balls gone without a trace.

Now, a few days before his next birthday, the boy got into a huge car accident and was on the verge of death. His father asked him.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

The boy replied with a choked voice, obviously forcing himself to speak despite the pain.

"My father... It would make me the happiest... boy in the world... if you could get me one... pink... ping pong ball..."

His father replied.

"My son. This may be the last time I ever speak to you. Will you please tell me why you wanted all the pink ping pong balls?"

"Alright father. Come closer."

His father nodded, bringing his face up close to his son's. The son's voice was getting weak by this point, coughing in between breaths. Still, he brought up the strength for one final sentance.

"The reason I wanted all the pink ping pong balls is-"

And then he died.
#6
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company. Boy: “Dark in here.” Man: “Yes it is.” Boy: “I have a baseball.” Man: “That’s nice.” Boy: “Want to buy it?” Man: “No, thanks.” Boy: “My dad’s outside.” Man: “OK, how much?” Boy: “£250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.” Man: “Yes, it is.” Boy: “I have a baseball glove.” Man: “That’s nice.” Boy: “Want to buy it?” Man: “No, thanks.” Boy: “I’ll tell.” Man: “How much?” Boy: “£750.” Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!” The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” The son says, “£1,000.” The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”


The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again.”

#7
Quote by The4thHorsemen
pink ping pong balls .



You sir, are one evil motherfucker, I need to know now.
Quote by Horsedick.MPEG
How do you prepare tea?

Quote by theogonia777
thrown into the boston harbor

Quote by Crofty89
Only if you boil the ocean first



JUST BOUGHT SIKTH DEATH OF A DEAD DAY ALBUM FROM THE US AND IT CAME WITH THE 6 YEAR OLD SIGNED POSTER (30/4/12) WIN
#8
A wife wants to surprise her husband by cooking him a meal for their marriage anniversary, so she secretly buys a live chicken that she proceeded to skin and clean herself. She really wanted to go out of her way to serve fresh and new meat to her husband that day.

However, she didn't want him to find out about it until it was time to serve, so she didn't throw away the intestines in the garbage bin, she put them in the toilet and...forgot to flush them down.

The husband comes home from work while the wife is cooking the formidable meal.

He gets a whiff of that chicken steak when he tells her that he can't wait for this meal, so he'll hurry up getting ready to enjoy this feast with his lovely wife. He proceeds to the bathroom to cleanse himself.

While the wife is about to serve he comes up and they sit down to eat. And he goes “You know the weirdest thing happened in the bathroom”. The wife looks at him with a slight worried face and says “Oh? What happened?”
“Well…” he begins, “I think I crapped out all of my intestines while I was in the bathroom”.

The wife had completely forgotten about the chicken and now with a worried face asks him “My dear god, are you alright? Did it hurt?”

He calms her down and says “Don’t worry honey it didn’t hurt at all. I think being this excited about having dinner with you tonight that I guess I didn’t feel anything."

The wife calmed down and smiled at her husband “Well, I’m glad you’re okay, sweetie.”

He pauses for a bit before saying, “Yeah, getting them out didn’t hurt at all. Sticking them back in though…”
Last edited by DeaThrash at Feb 24, 2015,
#9
Quote by The4thHorsemen
There was once a boy.... etc ...
"The reason I wanted all the pink ping pong balls is-"

And then he died.


that my friend is evil
I INTEND TO LIVE FOREVER
or die trying

Marx (as in the funny one)

Quote by vIsIbleNoIsE
write a death metal song and when she says she doesn't like it, i fling my guitar at her and fly away with my cape flapping in the wind


I AM AVdub
#11
Quote by ProgFripp74
You sir, are one evil mother****er, I need to know now.


Quote by AVdub
that my friend is evil



I first heard that one on these forums years ago and I've been sharing the love ever since
#12
Quote by The4thHorsemen
I first heard that one on these forums years ago and I've been sharing the love ever since


How do you HEAR a joke on a forum


I'm jst bitter bcos im trying to find a use for a whole tanker of Ping-Pong balls in 1 night
I INTEND TO LIVE FOREVER
or die trying

Marx (as in the funny one)

Quote by vIsIbleNoIsE
write a death metal song and when she says she doesn't like it, i fling my guitar at her and fly away with my cape flapping in the wind


I AM AVdub
Last edited by AVdub at Feb 24, 2015,
#14
On time I threw a toy grenade in a class with the mayor and made a prank pizza call cause I'm a cheap jew.


(because the authorities may be legitimately reading this that first part is an inside forum joke thing, search it).
#15
Not the longest but I can't be bothered sourcing/typing anything longer

An American walks into a pub in Ireland, and says: "I hear you Irish think you're heavy drinkers. I'll bet $500 USD that no one here can sink 10 Guinness, back to back."

A hush falls over the pub, but no one accepts the challenge. one man even leaves. 30 minutes later the same man returns, accepts, and to everyone's amazement completes the challenge.

"I can't believe it! Here's your money, but where did you go for the last half hour?" asks the Yank.

The Irishman replies: "I had to go to the next pub over and make sure I could do it first."
Last edited by mind_meld at Feb 25, 2015,
#16
The seven dwarves went to the Vatican and when the Pope answered the door, Dopey stepped forward:

"Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

"No Dopey, there aren't," the Pope replied. Behind Dopey, the six dwarves started to titter.

"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey Persisted.

"No, none in Italy," the pope answered a little more sternly. A few of the dwarves now began to laugh more openly.

"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?" This time the Pope was much more firm.

"Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." By this point, all the dwarves were laughing aloud and rolling around on the ground.

"Pope," Dopey demanded. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

"No Dopey," the Pope snapped. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." Whereupon the six dwarves started jumping up and down chanting, "Dopey ****ed a penguin! Dopey ****ed a penguin!"
#17
Once upon a time there was an ugly barnacle.

He was so ugly that everyone died.

The End.
BOOM-SHAKALAKALAKA-BOOM-SHAKALAKUNGA
#18
Quote by The4thHorsemen
There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want a truck full of pink ping pong balls?"

His son replied.

"My father. Please humour me for a while longer. I will tell you when the time is right."

His father agreed and ordered a truck full of pink ping pong balls. The boy said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go into the truck and spend the night playing with the pink ping pong balls?"

The father agreed and the boy spent the night in the truck. When the father went back to check on him in the morning, all the pink ping pong balls were gone, and only the boy was left, sleeping in the back of the truck.

The day before the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one oil tanker full of ping pong balls."

The father was very confused by this and had to ask again.

"My son can you tell me why you want these pink ping pong balls?"

His son replied.

"My father. Please humour me for a while longer. I will tell you when the time is right."

His father once again, agreed and bought all the ping pong ball factories in the world and made the workers work overtime to produce all the pink ping pong balls needed. He also bought an oil tanker and a pump, a crane and a dump truck to get all the ping pong balls in overnight. On his birthday, his father gave him the oil tanker full of pink ping pong balls. The boy said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go into the oil tanker and spend the night playing with the pink ping pong balls?"

Now the father had expected this and had made sure the oil tanker was completely safe for the boy's use. He agreed and the boy went into the oil tanker for the night. The next morning, when the father went to check, all he found was his son sleeping in the ship with all the pink pong balls gone without a trace.

Now, a few days before his next birthday, the boy got into a huge car accident and was on the verge of death. His father asked him.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

The boy replied with a choked voice, obviously forcing himself to speak despite the pain.

"My father... It would make me the happiest... boy in the world... if you could get me one... pink... ping pong ball..."

His father replied.

"My son. This may be the last time I ever speak to you. Will you please tell me why you wanted all the pink ping pong balls?"

"Alright father. Come closer."

His father nodded, bringing his face up close to his son's. The son's voice was getting weak by this point, coughing in between breaths. Still, he brought up the strength for one final sentance.

"The reason I wanted all the pink ping pong balls is-"

And then he died.


Fuck you.
#19
Have you guys seriously never heard of a shaggy dog story before? Anyone who is older than 5 should be able to see them coming a mile away.
BOOM-SHAKALAKALAKA-BOOM-SHAKALAKUNGA
#22
To the person who posted the pink ping pong ball joke, holy shit, I haven't thought about that in a while. I think I actually heard it on UG years ago, but every year in high school English I would ask the teacher if I could tell a short joke and I would proceed to launch into that one. By the second year everyone knew what I was up to but they all pretended like it had a great punchline so that the teacher would allow me to continue. What a joke, what a joke.

EDIT: Just remembered a pretty good one.

Two black men are walking down the street when they see a sign that says "Change Your Skin Color to White for Fifty Cents!" They stop outside the doorway and look at each other. After a minute of silence, one of the men says, "Well... it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. People would trust us more, we wouldn't have to deal with so much shit and we could finally get a taxi in this city, you know?" His friend agrees and they both head inside. However, the two men don't have any cash on them except for a single dollar. While they are waiting in line the one man says, "Since we only have a dollar between us, I'll go first and give you the change when I get out, okay?" His friend agrees and finally it's the first man's turn. He enters into a booth and there is a huge flash of light. When he exits the booth, his skin is now white. "Holy shit, it worked!" cried his friend. "Can I have that fifty cents?" His friend turns, looks at him and goes, "Get a job, you bum" and walks away.
Quote by Kensai
Forget about her, she seems complicated. Who wants a girl who answers in riddles? I'm not the fucking sfinx.

Quote by Rambo-Conny
Woah, woah. Back the hell up.

Polo shirt?

Sunglasses?

Of course he got all the girls, he's Rick Astley.
Last edited by nosushi4you at Feb 25, 2015,