#1
you said it was only on the surface
but it's the same below
our world had a short time, heaven knows
it's littered and smells of smoke

we dared not stare too long as we spoke
for fear of sparking something out of control
we kept the kindling so close

this is no longer life
so all together, thieves and beggars:
never shall we die
our years won't stop coming
our drunk blood will never dry

i was at the top
when it melted to the ground
you found the stairs, you got out
now i'm stuck looking down
and up here i can still see your house
We're only strays.
Last edited by Martyr's Prayer at Mar 1, 2015,
#2
*our world had a short time, heaven knows
it's littered and smells of smoke*

I love the way you end the first stanza, in terms of the meter you use. You have a longer line that ends with a comma and then just three syllables, but still included in the line, and that transitions to the very terse "it's littered and smells of smoke". It's like a stutter step that ends really fluidly. This being at the beginning creates a really nice, broken tone that lingers for the rest of the piece. Nice work!
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
Congratulations! This was a good choice for wotw
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black