#1
Our smiles are reminiscent
of the beheaded, unsuspecting
but frantic. Who will survive the approaching
last days? Society with eyes like dartboards -
only carcasses found, “that is us
right now” prophesied the one-too-many
vigilant, while being captured
by what he least expected; all of this
was already written - oh, such cruel irony,
don’t you think? One day, the world will outgrow
what comes naturally to all - hallelujah;
the inevitable will meet with us (no more).
Last edited by Bleed Away at Mar 2, 2015,
#2
I don't have a concise way to put this, so here's a half drunk rambling for you.

There's this anime called Ergo Proxy, which I thought was pretty meh. This piece, and all your writing in general, accomplishes what that show's writers were trying to do. There's a sense that understanding this will be the key to my happiness. As though you're not just a writer, but a psychiatrist, helping me understand what's wrong with me, teaching me how to get better. Yet, I'm left here to think: "what did he really mean ?"
#3
First sentence is a great opener. It's pretty strange. I don't think of bedheadedness as frantic or unsuspecting but I'm inclined to trust you on it immediately. It works in some kind of slanted way.

Things get kind of wild after the dartboards image. I'm sure you intend the contradiction of prophesying the present (or if you didn't, get rid of the quotes around "that is us right now") but even if it's intended, it's interesting and good but tangles us up a bit.

The semicolon joining to a new sentence that then gets hyphenated to the next makes me lose the voice a little. It seems like the vigilant is lamenting things when really it's you. Maybe break after "written" and loosen things up a little?
Last edited by brokencoastline at Mar 11, 2015,