#1
my jaw is wracked with mindlessness.
a blank ocean lurches beneath my skull.
I chew on teeth and problems

anxiety
hangs from my temples.
I push nails through shaking fingers

sounds are far away.
you will find me clenched up under the waves
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Mar 1, 2015,
#2
You could look into seratonin boosters
Be excellent to each other ☺
Paully
#4
this is simple and straightforward, but strong. i like the third line of the first stanza, particularly "chewing on teeth". it's a good metaphor and i can relate to that (and all of this really).

the second stanza is my favorite, particularly because of the last line. it doesn't say where you're pushing your nails (and what are the nails? fingernails? literal nails?), but the setup in the rest of the stanza creates a nice, implied imagery.

i also like how your last stanza is shorter than the rest. maybe not in word count, but in the number of the lines- it reads much more quickly. it adds a sense of finality to the poem, and provides a full perspective of the image you are creating. what i mean by this, is that most of the images you show are fairly isolated to certain parts of the body, particularly those relating to the head. then the last line comes in, and i see the whole person.

the title misspelling feels appropriate, however i'm not sure if it was intentional (i'm guessing it was). you could read it as self-loathing or sarcasm. some kind of mockery. i like creative use of grammatical errors, it's interesting sometimes.

the only criticism i can give is to perhaps stray away from sea and ocean related metaphors in relation to this kind of subject matter, but that's up to you. i don't mind it personally, i just see it a lot and it feels a little derivative.

Quote by Paully1
You could look into seratonin boosters


*selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors
Last edited by Dregen at Mar 5, 2015,
#5
Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it. The title was intentional, I was loaned a book of Jack kerouacs haiku and he used to call them pomes for whatever reason, so it was just my little personal nod to what I've been reading lately. I wrote the first stanza actually as a haiku itself after his style, but then it turned into more.

I wanted to give a sense of the far away sounds like when you are underwater, and also give a double meaning to the waves in the last line; under the sound waves, and also like under the waves in the ocean. And both of those positions would happen to be beneath my skull. So I don't know if that worked or not but that was the intention.

If there's anything you want me to take a look at just let me know
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black