Hi everyone,

Like many of you I guess I often get into jam sessions with friends, and usually we improvise the whole thing and record everything. Most of the time my lyrics are crap but last time I came up with that and I thought it was a slight improvement over what I usually deliver. It's also surprisingly spiritual, which is something I'm not. So I don't know, should I keep this, should I put a chorus somewhere, cut it to create verses ?


Smoking grass, go into the movie
Once they give and then they take
They see, they smart and leave
They talk and live through me
Go inside the house break the glass
You should pray we're all the same
Daddy sees, knows and laughs
Feel the cold wind on our cheeks
Like the hand of the Father
Maybe after we will all drink
And say it was all over
Maybe we'll all pray in urge
In the box six feet under

Maybe it was really nothing
And the sun is always rising
Anyway they killed His son
Maybe we can put some record on
Till we all see the car crash
Maybe it's a new kind of realisation
Going straight for the white flash
To give Him a show to watch
He comes around
He comes around
He comes around
and I know the songs
I know the songs

7 a.m., take the tube go into the train
It's coming for you today
We'll all be looking from the bay
We know you won't die in vain
Last edited by LorenzoAndMe at Mar 4, 2015,
What I think is really interesting is the language you used here that makes it obvious that you're kind of uncomfortable talking about spiritual things. Look how many times you use the word "Maybe", and especially the line "maybe it was really nothing" really does a lot of work to convey the sense that this is kind of a reluctant, hesitant song about religion. Most very spiritual songs are extremely confident and self-assured, but this one isn't, and in that way it shows a very different side to religion than you hear in lots of music.

So yeah, I like this! If you can't think of a chorus, then don't force it. Sometimes it's okay just to tell a story without a chorus. Don't feel limited by what you feel like you should do.

Good job!
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black