#1
it reminds me of the forest, of the crisp oxygen that can flow into me with just a little dedication.
it connects with neurons that have been disconnected with my brain stems and unlocks pathways behind my eyes
that have become unusable from rust.
it reminds me that there apparently is nothing at all.

and that i am unimportant and insignificant
and that my problems are nothing just like i am.
There are millions in worse more incompatible
then i have become

i am synthesized from being a disappointment and from being looked over
and forgotten.
and i listen to the sound of this raspy but clear voice and recognize
i would remember this from any wear.

it brings me to my childhood that essentially wasn't that long ago compared to other events in history.

and i will listen to these words over and over again without tiring without the slightest hint of boredom.
#2
I like this. It's really honest and straight forward. Sometimes when we need to get things out it's best to just do it like this, being extremely matter-of-fact. I can definitely tell there's some very real and frustrating emotion behind this. The one line that sticks out to me as being particularly interesting by itself is "i am synthesized from being a disappointment...". The linking of Synthesis(and thus the narrator's identity) with such corrosive things as disappointment and invisibility is a really powerful juxtaposition when you think about it. It's really describing a person who has so little to build themselves on that they are stuck piecing themselves together from everything negative or unnoticeable about themselves.

If I had to say something that could be improved here, I'd say that you should try to be a little more disciplined with your imagery and in creating kind of a unified whole. You start with the forest imagery in the beginning and it's really good, but then you meander off to other things and never revisit it. This prose-like style is definitely different and has it's own set of standards, but I think there are a couple of places where you could really think about paring things down, as they're really wordy without actually saying much. For example: my childhood that essentially wasn't that long ago compared to other events in history. That's a huge mouthful just to say that your childhood is a drop in the bucket of the universe. Obviously "drop in the bucket" is a cliche, but it's that kind of language that you should be looking for; look to find a *new* image that conveys the same thing intuitively, but that nobody has every really heard before.

Good job man, I hope to see you stick around here!
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Mar 11, 2015,