#1
Hi UG forum, I've recently started songwriting because I finally felt driven to, finally found a band of people at my highschool and all. This is my first song that I've gotten ideas for, and so I'm just wondering if whether or not it's onto a good start.

Verse 1
Waiting on the edge of the city cascaded
By the distant neon faded
lost in a world of my own

And I'm humming sounds of Sunday morning
hands in my pocket walking
no time for the future at hand

Bridge:
Sailing without a destination, no hesitation
Just drop the sails and close your eyes

From glass dipped water, have you found what you wanna find?
I think dreams might be too kind

Chorus
A thousand little cities on my mind
So close yet too far away to find
A thousand little cities on my mind
The street amber that are hope confined
Last edited by APham7 at Mar 14, 2015,
#2
Quote by APham7
Hi UG forum, I've recently started songwriting because I finally felt driven to, finally found a band of people at my highschool and all. This is my first song that I've gotten ideas for, and so I'm just wondering if whether or not it's onto a good start.

Verse 1
Waiting on the edge of the city cascaded
By the distant neon faded
lost in a world of my own
I was pleasantly surprised by this first stanza, which is one of the best ways you can open a piece, really.

And I'm humming sounds of Sunday morning
hands in my pocket walking
no time for the future at hand
This second stanza I'm not sure about. You've changed the rhyme scheme which isn't always a bad thing (and I'm certainly the wrong person to tell you it is) but in this case I feel it would be better to stick with a pattern. You've also gone from what could be quite a dark scene to one that's quite light. However, this fits the rest of the piece quite well.

Bridge:
Sailing without a destination, no hesitation
Just drop the sails and close your eyes
I like this part a lot, mainly due to the rhyme taking place in the first line.

From glass dipped water, have you found what you wanna find?
I think dreams might be too kind
I don't like the imagery at the start of the first line but that's just my opinion. The rhyming comes across as a little forced to me, but I like the premise of the second line.

Chorus
A thousand little cities on my mind
So close yet too far away to find
A thousand little cities on my mind
The street amber that are hope confined
Nice repetition, catchy, all you could really want from a chorus. However, I don't particularly like the fourth line, it doesn't read well but that might just be me.


Overall, I quite enjoyed this piece, nice one. If you make a complete song do post a link to it in here so we can listen.

On another note, one of the rules around here is that you don't ask for crits in your thread title. For future pieces try to have a working title in mind. If you're unsure you can use 'Untitled (WIP)' but that's a little too generic and won't draw too much attention.
It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders
#3
Quote by APham7
Hi UG forum, I've recently started songwriting because I finally felt driven to, finally found a band of people at my highschool and all. This is my first song that I've gotten ideas for, and so I'm just wondering if whether or not it's onto a good start.

Verse 1
Waiting on the edge of the city cascaded
By the distant neon faded
lost in a world of my own

And I'm humming sounds of Sunday morning
hands in my pocket walking
no time for the future at hand < I really like the first two stanzas, the way you use verbs to move things along is really great. One thing to think about is which verbs you're using, and how they fit together. For example, you say in the first stanza that you're waiting. What are you waiting for? Why? How long are you waiting? You don't have to directly answer these questions, and you don't have to answer all of them, but something like that would be a really powerful thing to address in the chorus. Go through and ask those kinds of questions of every line, and you'll find lots of new things to think about and revise.

Bridge:
Sailing without a destination, no hesitation
Just drop the sails and close your eyes

From glass dipped water, have you found what you wanna find?
I think dreams might be too kind

Chorus
A thousand little cities on my mind
So close yet too far away to find
A thousand little cities on my mind
The street amber that are hope confined <I love this image; all this great emotion caged up in the streetlights of a city. For something so good, I think you should think about how it actually ties into the rest of the piece. Where do we see any reference to hope in the rest of the poem? What are we hoping for? Having that kind of unity would make everything that much better.


This is a great start! Keep it up.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
oh very sorry, I'm new here so I did not know. Thanks very much
#6
Quote by 剣 斧 血
Overall, I quite enjoyed this piece, nice one. If you make a complete song do post a link to it in here so we can listen.



I agree with him, except that I like the final chorus line, maybe just clean it out a little ("The amber streets are hope confined")? And if I might ask, why amber?
#7
Haha well actually, I've no idea. I was walking back home from school and that was one of the more prevalent colors in my area. I thought it would sound nice.