#1
This is my city, uncultivated since the lost era
of defying Satan. I am inanimate. I will live my final days
alone. I have written these words (somewhere) before. I am caught in
a sensation, not felt since daddy last came. Controlled chaos
or holy trinity: Now a father. Now a dystopia. What will be
our harbinger? “I am new here”, may that premise remain, unceremoniously,
blessed.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Mar 15, 2015,
#2
I'm not sure what to think of this. i find the most satisfying part to be the interior lines - "I am inanimate. I will live my final days / alone. I have written these words (somewhere) before. I am caught in / a sensation." Those lines speak very directly and have a clear voice, whereas i feel the other material seems less focused. "of defying Satan" seems strange until the later mention of the holy trinity, and to a lesser extent 'unceremoniously blessed' at the end, but i have difficulty connecting why these motifs are present. Perhaps that is my fault, as i have not spent copious time with the piece. Still, i feel there is a lot of confusion in the material. "since daddy last came" seems strange, especially the word choice 'daddy' eliciting a more cutesy voice rather than the more bleak and stark presentation of earlier lines. "now a father, now a dystopia" might give context to the former line, and it is admittedly a nice parallel phrase, but 'daddy' seems an imperfect choice.

What i am trying to say is that i find this piece to be rather splintered and lacking unity, both in images and voice. i admit this could be my fault - as i said, i've only given a cursory reading. still, hopefully i've said something you can think about.

thanks for posting!