#1
i arrive.

and the calm of the sky
almost moves me

hands, bereft and lecherous
yet i keep the silence

as one who knows
the rules. as always,
a game of resignation

sundry glances that seem playful
only at a distance - like
mistaking the forest for the
forest fire.


and in a cool room,
we sleep with the shades drawn
but slightly.


you were there, once

the window panes flashing
swords of golden flesh


real, if only momentarily
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Mar 17, 2015,
#2
Quote by hippieboy444
i arrive. < You use motion in the beginning of this piece to great effect, and the way you mimic that tension with punctuation--by using a period at the beginning and then not using another for the next 14 lines--is really great. There's a great contrast between arriving(obviously you must move to arrive somewhere), and then the inertia in the second stanza, it makes that feel really huge.

and the calm of the world <world is such a big word. I love "the calm of the world", but it's simultaneously really vague. Give us something to chew on alongside that hugeness, and it'll really pop
almost moves me

hands, bereft and lecherous <this use of bereft is interesting and off-beat. You usually hear *bereft* in the sense of empty as "bereft of ___". Using it this way calls to mind more of a feeling of loss of a loved one. A bereaved mother, or something like that. I don't know whether it's good or bad, just interesting
yet i keep the silence

as one who knows
the rules. it began,
a game of resignation

sundry glances that seem playful
only from a distance -
the distance that defines
what occupies our thoughts < This is the only negative thing I'm going to say about this piece, because I think it's really great as a whole. At this line I think you're losing that terse-ness that the rest has so much of. I get that you're going on and on and playing with the punctuation and pace, but something occupying one's thoughts is a really wordy way to talk about this. If there's some foreign thing that is actually occupying the thoughts, then that's really something I'd want to hear more about. It raises a question in an awkward place. It's all set off by "defines" from the previous line, which I think is probably the most boring word one could use in a poem. I know what you were going for here and it's a great image you're trying to create with the space, but I think you can find a more clever, impactful way of doing it.

and in a cool room,
we sleep with the shades drawn
only slightly.


you were there, once.

the window panes flashing
swords of golden flesh,


real, if only momentarily.
\

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
I agree with Ganoosh in that "the distance that defines/ what occupies our thoughts" seems too vague.

Somehow you blend the past and present in your last stanzas, "we sleep" and "you were there." It feels purposeful and nuanced. It seems like you're concerned with permanence.

"the window panes flashing/ swords of golden flesh," is interesting because I would be inclined to take it as just a way of describing a glare off a window, if it weren't for the word "flesh" which connects back to the previous stanza and I realize it's the reflection of that person in the window. What's left of a room once everyone is gone?

Overall this doesn't really take off for me until "and in a cool room/" which is probably a bit too long. But I like the way that part feels like a departure and that it takes some time to get to. I just think there could be more concreteness early on.
#4
Edited. I am not sure i like the new image - it seems slightly incongruous with the rest of the piece. as well, i worry it's a bit too short to be impactful.

thanks for the critiques, i agree that the original lines were weak.
#5
I think your intuitions about the new image are mostly right, it feels a little overly enigmatic. At the same time it heightens the effect of the cool room image coming in like a breeze. Ultimately I think you should use something that contrasts with the cool room, something hot or hateful.
Last edited by brokencoastline at Mar 18, 2015,
#6
This piece is a feverish daydream, or a memory of a memory, like the opening sequence of Apocalypse Now. I love how the tense floats in this.

I think the problems with the second stanza are due to a misplaced texture which is making me associate the "calm sky" with the later "cool room" but these are different places/tenses aren't they? I think instead we should feel the drying sun from the clear sky, that is the cause of the forest fire.

"bereft and lecherous" is lovely on the tongue, but it shouldn't be, and I like that.

"sundry glances" is deceptive also, it caught me a couple of moments after I read it, which is very much in the flow of this piece.

"momentarily" is definitely a sonic fit, but it also leaves the ending a bit empty, maybe something even gentler?

The imagery here is much quieter than I have read of you recently, which puts this in an interesting place for me.
#7
Congrats on wotw!!

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#8
Quote by hippieboy444
i arrive.

and the calm of the sky
almost moves me

hands, bereft and lecherous
yet i keep the silence

as one who knows
the rules. as always,
a game of resignation

sundry glances that seem playful
only at a distance - like
mistaking the forest for the
forest fire.


and in a cool room,
we sleep with the shades drawn
but slightly.


you were there, once

the window panes flashing
swords of golden flesh


real, if only momentarily


There's nothing that I can add to this. You managed to describe the feeling of longing and lust so intricately yet living a bit of room for the reader to interprete the nuances that surround it. This, definitely, deserved WotW. Truly, truly great.
#10
Grats!!!

This was wonderful.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#11
Very nice song, I am new on this forum and also writing a song about my buisnesses - I am working in trinitycs in Bulgaria so we are doing company formation Bulgaria - http://www.trinitycs.com/en/services
Last edited by muzyk93 at Jun 1, 2015,
#12
You managed to describe the feeling of longing and lust so intricately yet living a bit of room for the reader to interprete the nuances that surround it. oppo smartphone This, definitely, deserved WotW.
#18
Maybe we should consider switching to a Writer of the Month scenario?
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror