#1
Your eyes love to question
why my surface

known as the greenest of
fields in all the land

is now tarnished with
rivers of velvet wine
flowing wildly
through each luscious
pasture.

replacing
such a sweet
and pleasant aroma
with that of salt and copper.

my mouth tries to
reason with something…
inaudible
(ineffable)

something your pupils
will accept

because I

I could not bear
to watch as your eyes drown
quietly
underneath a veil
of disappointment
And everything that once was
infinitely far
and unsayable is now
unsayable
and right here in the room.


- Franz Wright
#2
Hey! I really enjoyed reading your piece here. I love how it progressed from the surface in the first stanza, to the eyes drowning underneath the surface in the last. That's a really thoughtful way to structure your piece.

One thing I'd suggest is to go back and look at your line breaks, and think about if there's a reason for each one. There are a few places where the the experience of reading kind of suffers because of awkward line breaks. Enjambment can be a really powerful device when it's used well, but it does take some practice to get a feel for when it will add meaning to the words and when it will just make things awkward to read.

Looking forward to reading your next piece.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Thanks for the critique! I agree completely about the line breaks and will re-work them and post it in this thread again once I am finished.
And everything that once was
infinitely far
and unsayable is now
unsayable
and right here in the room.


- Franz Wright