#1
Debauchery doesn't come easy to the unremarkable man
with licentious thoughts and a stable relationship.
Spilling far too much ribald charm on sweet friends
Just to raise eyebrows and pulses (sadly not skirts)
or catch a wide-eyed wanton glance.
Placing images; of uncovered skin, lubricious,
and hard-pressed lips. Shocking suggestions
of cranberry kisses a little too salacious
for the lickerish, vanilla-flavoured flesh;
yet exciting enough to indulge. Though,
lustful as they come, there'd be no concupiscent touch
between friendly lovers. Just thoughts, feelings
and perhaps aching wrists.




Got prompted to write about a cardinal sin, gah...
It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders
Last edited by 剣 斧 血 at Apr 10, 2015,
#2
I'm sure you wanted a decent aesthetic, but the bold and font does make it a bit hard to read. I'd consider increasing the font size or trying another?

I always enjoy something that makes me pull out my dictionary, vocabulary did this a lot of good.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#3
Quote by JustRooster
I'm sure you wanted a decent aesthetic, but the bold and font does make it a bit hard to read. I'd consider increasing the font size or trying another?

I always enjoy something that makes me pull out my dictionary, vocabulary did this a lot of good.


That any better? This font has an unusually large jump between font sizes.
It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders
#4
Personally, I think it's easier to read now, but don't let me disuade you. Just as long as the font isn't getting in the way of understanding the piece or being distracting, it's fine.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#5
Quote by JustRooster
Personally, I think it's easier to read now, but don't let me disuade you. Just as long as the font isn't getting in the way of understanding the piece or being distracting, it's fine.


It's fine, I'd rather know if people found the font of one my pieces a bit out place. It's not like it takes long to change.
It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders
#6
not sure i agree about the vocabulary. there's something comforting and personal about casual vocabulary. Like Hemmingway and Steinbeck, they always feel so conversational and intimate in this way. some of your words are nice sounding but i don't know what they mean. i myself do this from time to time - sometimes the sonority of a word is really more necessary than the actual meaning - but often i find it detracts from the peice.

however, everything else is in place. i enjoyed the flow and the word place (lickerish) and the ending tied it up nicely. thanks for posting.
#7
also, "but sadly not skirts" seems out of character with the rest of the tone of the piece. perhaps that's because of the verbose direction you've currently taken. i understand what you're going for, but it is not so congruent with the rest of the piece.
#8
really nice use of words and I can really relate to this piece. 8/10
If you do something right, no one will know you've done anything at all

Proud to be called Best Friends with Pastafarian96