#1
A duck splashing moist feathers in the water
that's an infuriating sound

a foetus is a box of crayons
unopened and still necessarily
limited
like me.

from underneath a mirror dome
I look in every direction
angles and rays smile back at me,
I can't see them over my reflections

you don't see it but
this all hinges on such simple problems;
hate makes the mail late.
cannibalism plugged up with STOP signs.

screaming at a concrete corner pushing my nose through it
fresh out of saliva,
something something
something
something
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Apr 13, 2015,
#2
I feel your frustration, your reaching and yet lack theirof.


I am interested in the structure of this piece. I feel like the last stanza could be its own poem, and the first four could be divided by enumeration (I, II, III, IV) in a tableau-type piece.
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#3
some of these images feel forced or incongruent with the rest. the cannabalism image especially. and the mail part. that really made me stumble. overall i think this is OK, i guess i'd like something a bit grittier, with more coherence or something.

not sure. i do appreciate the sentiment and i like where it's going. the ending is nice. thanks for posting.
#4
I really like the beginning with the ducks and the infuriating sound. I was feeling the rest of the poem was going to open it self up to that and continue the initial vibe. I feel like you've let the creativity flow come to you, and its all pointing towards something, but it lacks glue, I don't feel it has a theme, it is more of a collection of frustrations perhaps. Interesting, nevertheless.
#5
very nice. I enjoyed the emotion in the entire piece. Maybe thats because i can feel like I relate to this piece. good job.
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