#1
Clutter

give me a cigarette
you can't have one
give me a drink
you can't have one
give me a viper
you can't have one
give me a needle
you can't have one
give me a pill
you can't have one
give me my vices
you don't need them


Length

give me her gaze
you won't get it
give me her lips
you won't get it
give me her body
you won't get it
give me her hand
you won't get it
give me her blood
you won't get it
give me my love
she'll never see it

Blood

take this food
I don't want it
take this bed
I don't want it
take this water
I don't want it
take this oxygen
I don't want it
take this lifeline
I don't want it
take your existence
I don't deserve it


Cables

give me a knife
you won't take it
give me poison
you won't use it
give me a gun
you won't hold it
give me a rope
you can't tie it
give me a cancer
you'll survive it
But I deserve it
no-one gets what they deserve

Mind

Give me my vices
They'll kill you
give me my love
she'll taint you
take your existence

Give it away
bring me my death
because I deserve it
the things I've done
only redouble this
You'll get it when we say
because you don't deserve freedom
A poem.
Quote by yoman297
no girl, movember isnt for you. shave your stache pls

I can out-bore you any day
#5
First four sections are killer.

I don't think the final section is the right ending to this though, I think it would be stronger ended on "no-one gets what they deserve". This is firstly because this a clearer, bolder statement than your current ending but also because the final stanza forces a conclusion on the reader they could've drawn themselves, it just tells us what you've spent the entire piece showing us.
#6
Quote by doubtfulsalmon
First four sections are killer.

I don't think the final section is the right ending to this though, I think it would be stronger ended on "no-one gets what they deserve". This is firstly because this a clearer, bolder statement than your current ending but also because the final stanza forces a conclusion on the reader they could've drawn themselves, it just tells us what you've spent the entire piece showing us.

that thought ran through my mind, but I actually wrote the last section/individual poem with the intention that it could be omitted. However when you're going through depression (was) and pouring your heart into things, sometimes complex poetic devices just aren't a high priority.

I'll consider a future rewrite.
A poem.
Quote by yoman297
no girl, movember isnt for you. shave your stache pls

I can out-bore you any day
#7
this was nice. After I read it a few times over the past few days, I found i could relate to almost everything in this piece. It was very well written and you should be proud of all the emotion that it conveys. Reading this even helped me visualize some of my own issues and put them into a different light.
If you do something right, no one will know you've done anything at all

Proud to be called Best Friends with Pastafarian96
#8
I am totally loving the style and the composition of this, it is really unique and touching. I especially enjoy the "Cables" part, it seems to be talking about persona's inner indecision and disorientation.