#1
If I could get you out of my head I surely would.
These sleepless nights are worrisome;
those dark walls cave in, relentless,
jagged spires and grotesques
and stained glass malignancies
crumble upon me;
I am not calm.

I see your face in grey clouds and windowpanes.
Somewhere, sometime, I think of you;
do you think of me? I think
not. Not
now not
never ever ever. You are not the first.

But you've taken a seat, made yourself at home,
and I smell you on the air;
I taste you in the food,
fresh and young and lively.
You make me dream
and I hate you for it.

I have no time for dreaming when my heart flutters so.
They are false prophecies;
I do not dream at Delphi
and I have no intention to do so.
Do you dream there?

I imagine you would respond with a particular kind of silence,
the one where the words are there
but do not need to be heard.
Your eyes would speak.
They would look at me with a peculiar pity;
and I would know in that fatal glance
that I would never have a chance
to gaze into them again.

I would rather you were a friend than nothing at all,
a tired acquaintance,
a deadlock of emotions;
I do not want to checkmate them,
just let them know they have another move,
towards me, foretells that particular prophesy.
Ha
Ha

I see your face in grey clouds and windowpanes.
I would rather you were a friend than nothing at all.
I imagine you would respond with a particular kind of silence.
I have no time for dreaming when my heart flutters so.
If I could get you out of my head I surely would.
But you've taken a seat, made yourself at home.
#2
Semi-in depth Crit for you. Honestly, I really liked this piece.

Quote by Dæmönika
If I could get you out of my head I surely would.
These sleepless nights are worrisome;
those dark walls cave in, relentless,
jagged spires and grotesques
and stained glass malignancies
crumble upon me;
I am not calm.

Excellent imagery and I can envision myself laying in bed waiting to go to sleep, but it's elusive. Then next thing you know you're in nightmare

I see your face in grey clouds and windowpanes.
Somewhere, sometime, I think of you;
do you think of me? I think
not. Not
now not
never ever ever. You are not the first.

The first three lines are great. Then trying to decipher the flow the following two lines. The last one, creates a sense of empathy

But you've taken a seat, made yourself at home,
and I smell you on the air;
I taste you in the food,
fresh and young and lively.
You make me dream
and I hate you for it.

"smell you on the air" feels really awkward, "in the air" would make it sound easier. Overall, excellent use of the senses. Makes me think of an ex, hence, the overall feeling for love is there. Even though hate is used in the final line, my interpretation comes from certain quirks that made her unique. Relatable.

I have no time for dreaming when my heart flutters so.
They are false prophecies;
I do not dream at Delphi
and I have no intention to do so.
Do you dream there?

Oddly, the double 'so' rhyme seems to work well with each other in this ABBAC stanza.

I imagine you would respond with a particular kind of silence,
the one where the words are there
but do not need to be heard.
Your eyes would speak.
They would look at me with a peculiar pity;
and I would know in that fatal glance
that I would never have a chance
to gaze into them again.

This is an excellent stanza! Here, leaving the imagery for the reader. I envisioned a beautiful woman steering at me with a certain face. The peculiar pity face can be seen in different ways. With the fatal glance (killing what's inside? stopping the heart? or ending the dream?). Multiple interpretations left here can let the reader connect personal ties. Excellent.

I would rather you were a friend than nothing at all,
a tired acquaintance,
a deadlock of emotions;
I do not want to checkmate them,
just let them know they have another move,
towards me, foretells that particular prophesy.
Ha
Ha

Nothing special here (to me at least). Feels like a filler, but no complaints

I see your face in grey clouds and windowpanes.
I would rather you were a friend than nothing at all.
I imagine you would respond with a particular kind of silence.
I have no time for dreaming when my heart flutters so.
If I could get you out of my head I surely would.
But you've taken a seat, made yourself at home.

THIS PART IS AWESOME. How everything adds together to conclude it, conveys the message well



Excellent piece.
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#3
Very nicely written. I really have nothing negative to say about it. great piece. It was very emotional and reading it made me remember how I felt every time I had my heart broken. that slow lament was executed very well.
If you do something right, no one will know you've done anything at all

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