#1
sitting quietly in the car,
feeling suddenly feverish
as the highway turns.
the sky tears away from
its green tunnel, revealing
the sweeping valley
rimmed with foggy, silent cliffs.


the light gets prickly


somehow I feel as though
I've been stuck here
with you
forever.


I feel the weight of your hand on
my thigh as my eyes sting
with happiness.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
Yess. First thing I come back to on here after a while away.

One thing that jumps out: the sky tears away from THE green tunnel. Make it real relative to the location of the poem. Let it exist in actuality.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#3
This makes me think of a lot of things. One is the beginning of an Annie Dillard book I flipped through a while back where she opened with something to the effect that, after everything else in memory dissipates, what you're left with is land.

Clearly the landscape imagery contributes to that but also the feeling of having been there forever, a feeling that rises counter to your rational memory.

But also the prickly light. Light with texture for me has always been moments of transcendence, like I was going to float through the roof of the car instead of realize I had been there all along. I love how you use it here.

Agree with Jimmy about using "the green tunnel" for clarity reasons.
#4
the formatting is a little wonky. your language is incredibly forceful and it adds a melancholy to this that i enjoy; like someone who doesn't know how to be in love and finds it painful to experience it. i don't know if you intended it to read like that, but i enjoyed it either way.
#5
you've changed!!!! and I love it. the minimalism.

not really digging the ending, as happiness is a beginning not an end to me. it's not quite the catharsis I expected. well painted either way.

my revision would be to switch the last two stanzas and cut the 'with happiness' line. but that's just my style.

either way, super impressed and glad you're still around. it's been years since I've been here!
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Jul 7, 2015,