#1
I posted this tune quite a while ago, unfinished. It's since been finished and I still consider it the best song I've ever written. Give it a listen on my Soundcloud if y'all wanna!

I don't believe in karma, my luck has all run out
I'm picking up the pieces of what I can't live without
My back is damn near broken and my knees are far too weak
To carry all the burdens and find answers that I seek

So break these walls down, I still won't let you back in
I know that you've done wrong, my dear, confess your every sin
Tell me right where I went wrong and why you feel so sure
You can come back any time you'd like and throw me to the floor

What goes up ends up crashing down
You've made your move without a single sound
What goes up might not fall back down
But what goes around might come around

Fool me once, it's shame on me, it'll never happen twice
We've all done things that we can't change, it's time to pay the price
You tell me that you need me and you hate to be alone
I'm in no mood to fight, my love, don't bother coming home

Sound the alarm and lay your weapons down
Before the single shot rings out that's heard the world around
It didn't take much time to see I'm not the only one
I'd rather sleep alone again than turn around and run

What goes up ends up crashing down
You've made your move without a single sound
What goes up might not fall back down
But what goes around might come around

What's tearing us apart could be what's keeping me alive
Every word you've said to me just cuts me like a knife
Even though you're gone it seems I'll live another day
Hoping karma catches up to you, you know just what they say

What goes up ends up crashing down
You've made your move without a single sound
What goes up might not fall back down
But what goes around might come around
#2
Hey, I've listened to your songs and my favourite is "Tell me everything's okay", I think it's great! Keep up the good work, wish you all the best
#3
You're clearly adept at the form of songwriting. But I would direct you to look at some of the word and phrases you are selecting to use, and ask yourself if they really provide your unique view on the world. "what goes around comes around", "break these walls down", "what goes up comes down", "confess your every sin", these are all notions we've heard countless times before. I think you should challenge yourself to present your vision of the world in a more unique and personal way. Formally this is very solid.

Have a nice day.
#4
Quote by Jammydude44
You're clearly adept at the form of songwriting. But I would direct you to look at some of the word and phrases you are selecting to use, and ask yourself if they really provide your unique view on the world. "what goes around comes around", "break these walls down", "what goes up comes down", "confess your every sin", these are all notions we've heard countless times before. I think you should challenge yourself to present your vision of the world in a more unique and personal way. Formally this is very solid.

Have a nice day.


I definitely appreciate the criticism. But you could've at least quoted my lines correctly, right? Right now you're at about a 50% in the accuracy department. And how can you really say that something I write, something I slave over, trying to refine and write to the best of my ability isn't "personal"?

Have a fantastic day.
#5
I suggested presenting your ideas in a more unique, personal vision. The use of cliche can be substituted for something more unique that tells us your personal story in a way we haven't heard before - lines about breaking walls down, things coming around (or up and down) are ideas and images we have seen before. Even phrases such as 'cuts me like a knife' are tired, and given the skills you show here I am sure there is a far more unique way you could show us that idea. Being less precious with some of the rhyming might free you up initially.