#1
The moon sold me your secrets
So I could pull my head out
And experience hope and a reason
To let warmth bake my skin.

Bend over and stretch my
Spinal cord so I can hopefully
Reach higher.

Flood my inner core
And kill the fire that
Fuels my body,
Scrub the rust off my
Surface.
Make me new again,
Open to me again.
#2
this is just my opinion but perhaps you should switch to using lowercase letters, even at the beginning of the next stanza. if this flowed casually together, it would work much better i think. with the capital letters at the beginning of each stanza, it feels like it unnecessarily accents those words and makes the flow jagged. there are times for that, however i don't think it's here. sometimes the line break alone is enough.

i'll leave a quoted change here. just look between the two and observe how differently each feels

Quote by Magnumopus7001
the moon sold me your secrets
so I could pull my head out
and experience hope and a reason
to let warmth bake my skin..

bend over and stretch my
spinal cord so I can hopefully
reach higher.

flood my inner core
and kill the fire that
fuels my body,
scrub the rust off my
surface.
make me new again,
open to me again.


though in the end it's all still preference (also the irony of the thread title makes me feel a little embarrassed)

besides this, the first stanza feels very weak to me. i get what you're trying to say, but these images feel very disconcerted and seemingly unrelated. perhaps try to use a single stronger, more tied-together image to glue your goal message to.

i'm fairly drunk atm. be aware that captain might not make a better writer
Last edited by Dregen at Jul 2, 2015,
#4
Quote by Magnumopus7001
^ I didn't intend for every line to be capitalized. It is just my laziness when typing.


i can't tell if this statement is true or just a cleverly worded, ironically sarcastic remark

the internet is a lovely thing
Last edited by Dregen at Jul 3, 2015,
#6
I really enjoy the simplicity of this piece. The way you've written this in, is really unconventional, the way I also prefer to write my poems in Wish you all the best!