#1
It's been a long time coming
and an even longer time going
life is troublesome and subdued
but most go about not knowing
how lucky they have it

I aint got much to lose
Aint got much to my name
not that I want it
not that I need it
but goddamn if I dont like this pain

Sometimes, MOST times, I want to go away
I find myself and my friends led astray
by our anxieties, and lies, and the times we leave
by the things we hold onto, like our pain
how lucky we have it


I aint got much to lose
Aint got much to my name
not that I want it
not that I need it
but goddamn if I dont like this pain
If you do something right, no one will know you've done anything at all

Proud to be called Best Friends with Pastafarian96
#2
'It's been a long time coming' reminds me of sam cooke's a change is gonna come, or sick puppies you're going down. Try to use synonyms for 'a long time'.

A dark moment has been glowing,
An endless movement has been flowing,
life is troublesome and subdued
but we go about not knowing
how lucky we have it

I ain't got much to lose
Ain't got much to my name
not that I want it
not that I need it
I ain't got much if I don't like this pain

Most of the time I want to go away
I find myself and my friends led astray,
our anxieties, lies, and the pain we hold onto,
but we go about not knowing,
how lucky we have it
#3
hmm, good advice. Thanks for the crit!
If you do something right, no one will know you've done anything at all

Proud to be called Best Friends with Pastafarian96
#4
I would invest a little more energy in trying to portray these ideas with the old fashioned mantra, show not tell. A lot of this is a little to word-for-word description of an emotional state. I think if you invested time in attempting to craft some of these ideas in a more unique and personal way, you might come up with something a little more inspiring. For instance, you present an idea that life can be troublesome but some people go around without knowing. You could probably develop a whole piece around that personal vision of how the world works, but instead you mention it quickly in two lines.

Have a good day.