#1
Constant noise tempts us like the sirens of old,
where we indulge and participate in a never silent world.
Words streamtogether as we quicklyspewthem
our mouths forgetting the space bar underneath our tongues.
How often I hear speeches to inspire us
Rattle on like some unwinding stream
as if it were a natural spring of thought
which would never cease to exist.
How often I hear complaints and inputs
at a quickened pace as metal music is to blues-
note after note after note after note
an array of sixteenth notes strung together with no room for rest.
How often we forget
that the strongest part of the message
is
the silence between the
words.
#2
For me this reads a little bit like you had an ending line or idea and tried to cajole the rest of the piece out of it. I think what might be best addressed here is to focus on the formal aspects - there is very little attention put into the sonic aspects of the piece, for instance. It's quite a bland and turgid read for me. There is little that excites my tongue. It's a bread roll. Substantial and filling, but for me it lacks the artistic finesse. Yes there is use of poetics but I don't think they compliment one another. In particular, I think the flow of the piece is very... chuggy. There's no real consistency to the read, and is a little rambly. I said in another crit somewhere that this is quite common across S&L, but it makes everything very prosaic. This can be fine, but there is no consistency here with such issues. I feel it could do with a little editing to bring together a more coherent and stimulating piece. I would continue the bread roll metaphor here but I think that'd be patronising. Solid ideas but I think you could do more with this by spending more time considering the actual poetics of the piece, rather than layering ideas on top of one another.