#1
It kills me inside to see you like this
to look out at the surrounding roofs
and regret your work.
ice eyes melt and
I turn to look away.
I cant see you like this because you
were always so strong.
I would do anything to make your
pain stop.
#2
use more similes and metaphors. most of these are straightforward statements. which work in a certain context. but you still need to focus more on using images to say these things. find your image, create it in your mind, then flesh it out. (if this is a poem about your father, make it strong as you feel about him. or not, because sometimes that works as well lol)

maybe perhaps more abstraction, i liked that with your earlier stuff. straightforward statements are much more interesting with abstraction. simply because it's not one idea, but a variety of them to connect your theme. the reader may not be able to completely comprehend them in the way that you do, but it allows for interpretation.

sometimes you don't want the reader to know entirely what you're saying- that's the nature of art. if you feel the image you're making in your head isn't strong enough to interact with the reader, exaggerate it. it's your situation, your image. do whatever the fuck you want with it; writers are liars. you can't avoid it. perhaps that's why i write vaguely. it's a flaw, but you can't be hesitant about stretching the truth to accomplish the point of a poem, a piece of art. art is not necessarily about truth in a literal sense, it's using your words, images, and ideas to create something that is larger-than-life. in that way though, you can still make it realistic.... i don't know where i'm going with this. i'm not a good teacher. or critic for that matter.

this seems rude but isn't meant to be, just too fucked up to make everything all politically correct and shit
Last edited by Dregen at Jul 19, 2015,