#1
I'll ask once more
if you'll end my lonleyness
cut out the tummer
that holds me down on this couch,
So I can saw this tree
To make it mine
To much so much mine.
I want to LEEP and stalk.
Pray and talk.

I don't want to pray though,
But I want to bask in your light
let the vines trace my vains
and your tounge to my creek
Were the birds chirp and fish flip.
Take your factory and mount my ecosystem
So I can feed you energy.
Please, pollute my waters


To dregen: better?
Last edited by Magnumopus7001 at Jul 20, 2015,
#4
Quote by Magnumopus7001
Better then the last one or than this one???


the last one, obviously

just keep up what you're doing here and practice with it. fix the spelling/grammatical errors in another draft unless this was this meant to be sardonic (only because i've done it before so i can't assume what the "proper" interpretation means)
#5
Hey buddy nice song, I can already think of a melody and some guitar parts to go along with it hahaha.. anyway I can't make threads yet so here is one of mine. I gave you critique so do me a favor and critique mine please

Sunshine, why'd you always complain?
Because you lost, because you never play this game
Everybody knows that, that we both choke each other
To see the lost son rise again
I know I can't do this shit anymore
You never gave me anything
My life was shit because I followed you and your beliefs
Why? Why? Why? Why?

I cannot take this I am rounded, not anymore
We are the troll that has rule over your new sister
The way we walk down, never we promise sin
No one should laugh until we're out alive

Moving forward, pushing this through
No one's gonna laugh until we're out alive
Doves can see you, do you want a flight?
Take this life I hope you die

I cannot take this, we're onto no one shifting
Now I'm on edge now, you've done enough to brace it through
I have their eyes, to see through wild lives
Why did you cry? You want it, now we're gonna die

What did you expect me to say?
Trying to find our own way
But you were stuck in my head
Stopping me from what I needed
With arms wide open
My heart and arms are closing
As I try to throw this all away
And stop following you

Take one knee, close your eyes
Nothing wants me, when lies would end you
You took nothing, you gave us nothing
You take this life, I hope you die

I gave my ears, I can't take this pain
I'll take on sober you, run upon me
Save me, why'd you promise me more
We're all dying, now really see through the shit cause
Now we're gonna die
Now we're gonna die

You said you would say, I put my trust in you
Now I am stuck with you
Following you, following you
This is the last time I will be following you
#6
it kinda goes on, its good but nothing really popped, to me. im sure though with a melody and some instruments it has a different effect though. try maybe thinking of some metaphors where no one understands it and what it represents but you.

i like the second to last stanza a lot.
#7
Quote by Magnumopus7001
try maybe thinking of some metaphors where no one understands it and what it represents but you.


getting all mars volta/at the drive-in now aren't we, eh.
Last edited by Dregen at Jul 21, 2015,
#8
I thought I was getting bruised apple at the walmart...

(That represents our government and the education system if you couldn't tell)
#9
Quote by Magnumopus7001
I thought I was getting bruised apple at the walmart...

(That represents our government and the education system if you couldn't tell)


i giggled a little
#11
Quote by Magnumopus7001
I'll ask once more
if you'll end my lonleyness
cut out the tummer
that holds me down on this couch,
So I can saw this tree
To make it mine
To much so much mine.
I want to LEEP and stalk.
Pray and talk.

I don't want to pray though,
But I want to bask in your light
let the vines trace my vains
and your tounge to my creek
Were the birds chirp and fish flip.
Take your factory and mount my ecosystem
So I can feed you energy.
Please, pollute my waters



This piece struck me as being both sensual AND frightening.


I would like to see a longer version, as i feel this piece hasn't been as fleshed out as it could be, but I really love the narrative and how the piece feels as a whole. Very good writing! Keep it up!
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