#1
I still see you in my anxieties -

you, furiously typing variations of my name into google
(or other girls' names, even worse)
in hopes of finding a morsel of something, anything -
some kind of clue.

how is it that in these few, short years
you could have become such a demon
without ever changing at all.

I, once 19,
once very lonely (and still sometimes),
feeling very misunderstood (and still, too, sometimes),
saw you as a friend.

I still don't know
if you felt the same way...
and I wonder
if it would make things
better
or
worse.


well, I've been tired of writing you
into fuzzy metaphors -
a habit I grew
because you were always
so damn conflicting...


you are ****ing evil.


there is nothing conflicted left,
just a memory of you,
my teacher, asking me
whether or not I liked
double penetration
in the middle of class,
and a countermemory
from the email I got
telling me
you were found guilty.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




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Last edited by vintage x metal at Aug 19, 2015,
#2
i'll post a crit for this sometime soon but for now i'll just give you a bump b/c spam posters >.>

initially i'll say this is interesting and, to a degree, more abstract than the rest of your stuff. i vaguely feel like you could make improvements to this, however i'm not sure what they are yet
Last edited by Dregen at Aug 14, 2015,
#3
okay, so basically after my last post i realized everything pretty much went over my head. my brain's been fried these past few days

that being said, this should have been done half a week ago so here we go

Quote by vintage x metal
I still see you in my anxieties -

you, furiously typing variations of my name into google
(or other girls' names, even worse)
in hopes of finding a morsel of something, anything -
some kind of clue.


the line that particularly sticks out here is "you, furiously typing variations of my name into google". i think this sort of thing needs to be addressed by more people, because if someone has a little information about you, it can be very easy to backtrack someone across several different websites/social media outlets (considering they use more than one, anyway) to gather potentially private information. in that way, i feel the internet is incredibly dangerous.

the last two lines are set up in an interesting way. the way that i'm reading this, i'm thinking it means he doesn't find anything- why is he "furiously" typing? this might also suggest other things on your side of the situation, which may or may not include intentionally excluding/altering details of your personal life in order to avoid being backtracked again. which i wouldn't blame you for at all.

(i might just be reading way too much into it, but i always try to point out what i think is implied because it can tell you if your thoughts were expressed in the way you wanted them to. or if i'm just dumb. either way, i don't mean to make you uncomfortable.)

how is it that in these few, short years
you could have become such a demon
without ever changing at all.


this stanza seems to say one of two things to me- personal growth (the fact that you have realized who/how this person is), or degradation (resulting anxiety from the the former). at this point in the poem it isn't entirely clear, but it seems to opt more on the side of degradation. at least until the last four stanzas.

I, once 19,
once very lonely (and still sometimes),
feeling very misunderstood (and still, too, sometimes),
saw you as a friend.

I still don't know
if you felt the same way...
and I wonder
if it would make things
better
or
worse.


this part is pretty straightforward. it brings more background information for the reader, and the tone of voice is still relatively intimate. however-


well, I've been tired of writing you
into fuzzy metaphors -
a habit I grew
because you were always
so damn conflicting...


you are ****ing evil.

there,
I said it.



this is where things start to turn around. i like what you're doing here, but i feel like the last three lines are a little clumsy. i don't know what to suggest right now though, if anything at all. it works fine when i read it like a slam poem and imagine someone speaking this out loud. your spacing also helps with establishing that space/tension/tone of voice.

there is nothing conflicted left,
just a memory of you,
my teacher, asking me
whether or not I liked
double penetration
in the middle of class,
and a countermemory
from the email I got
telling me
you were found guilty.


this is probably the best part for me just because of how utterly candid it is, compared to those "fuzzy metaphors" and vague images presented for almost the entirety of the poem. you obviously see this and use it to create a sense of parody/humor while also attacking this teacher. it's kind of like, "well, this is what happened if i'm candid about his candidness". the thought of a teacher asking you something like that also creates a lot of disgust and anger, which you resolve (along with the tension on stanzas 6-8 that your were building already) and bring finality and justice.

i think that maybe you could make the imagery on this stanza a bit stronger to achieve more impact, but that's ultimately your choice. it might work better with the revealing nature of the stanza, or it might end up contradicting the fact that memory loss is an important theme (though i think less so with this piece than your others)

this was a great read. also, i hope the finality you've reached here doesn't mean that you're going to stop writing entirely
Last edited by Dregen at Aug 15, 2015,
#4
Hey this is an awesome crit. Thank you so much for your effort.


I am trying to write more spoken word poetry because I finally have the guts to do readings. I started showing up to readings but I realized so much of my poetry is about the act of silently reading it - the spacing, the implicit rhythms, etc. I want more material that's conversational, that I can monologue and ad-lib with. It is an awkward start but I gotta start somewhere lol

I totally agree with you about those three lines starting at "you are..." and am trying to play around. Maybe saying it out loud will help me a bit. I am really glad you like the ending. That mofo sucked so much life from me.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
Quote by vintage x metal
Hey this is an awesome crit. Thank you so much for your effort.


I am trying to write more spoken word poetry because I finally have the guts to do readings. I started showing up to readings but I realized so much of my poetry is about the act of silently reading it - the spacing, the implicit rhythms, etc. I want more material that's conversational, that I can monologue and ad-lib with. It is an awkward start but I gotta start somewhere lol

I totally agree with you about those three lines starting at "you are..." and am trying to play around. Maybe saying it out loud will help me a bit. I am really glad you like the ending. That mofo sucked so much life from me.


i'm glad that you appreciated it tbh, because i'd been thinking about it and hoping it was somewhat logical and not offensive (how i've been on this forum lately etc etc)

also i wanted to clarify that the last statement wasn't meant to be offensive or degrading. i just know how writing about certain topics can feel/are limiting when you need to move on from them- mostly the reason why i've done little topical deviation in my writing (fear). i'm happy that you're trying to move on from this because really, all it's going to do is limit your potential. not to say that you haven't written anything besides what you've posted here but i only make my judgments based on that really

might be a suck-up but whatever. don't even care
Last edited by Dregen at Aug 16, 2015,
#7
<3
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
The first time I read this I immediately noticed something different. It's a lot more direct than what I'm used to reading from you, more conversational, less concerned with image and sound. Maybe having heard this story from you already contributed to that, but I think it's also your language.


Quote by vintage x metal

because you were always
so damn conflicting...


you are ****ing evil.

there,
I said it.


there is nothing conflicted left,


Dregen(name?) touched on some clumsiness here. I think you could just do away with the lines "there,/ I said it." and relieve that clumsiness, resulting in something like this:


because you were always
so damn conflicting...


you are ****ing evil.


there is nothing conflicted left,


which sandwiches that emphasized evil line in between two lines saying he is conflicting and then nothing is conflicted. I think allowing that drastic of a change to rest on just one line in between them lends the "evil" line more power.

I like the concept of a countermemory. The only comparison I have for it is a countermelody, which I think is a melody that plays simultaneously with another, complicating and accentuating it. In a way, the countermemory isn't really described, you write "a countermemory/ from the email I got" which tells us that the memory came from the email but isn't necessarily one in the same as the email (if that's what you mean, maybe "a countermemory/ of the email I got"?). In that sense I'm left wondering slightly what the countermemory is at the end.

(also I'm very regretful that I couldn't make the reading you hosted a while back, let me know if yr planning any more soon).
#9
^ I like that edit/line cut a lot.

I was trying to find a way to phrase the memories as a diptych. memory/countermemory seemed like a simple way to phrase it, but I will think of ways to tweak it.

hey I will definitely invite you again. actually I was going to ask if you want to be a guest host for one (I am trying to do them once a month or so.) when are you moving from cville again?
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#11
very emotional piece. I enjoyed it very much. Sorry im not very good at giving crits but I know good writing when I see it. great job! keep it up.
If you do something right, no one will know you've done anything at all

Proud to be called Best Friends with Pastafarian96
#12
fuck...

sort amazed at how upset and unsettled i grew reading it. that is some success, for the writing anyway. because of how it starts out at the line of candidness (to borrow a word) it takes a second for the whole of it to come together and that building motion from thin air makes it almost more reviling. and seems to fit the narrative.
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