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#1
So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.

So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”

And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”

So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.

So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”

And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”

So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, “Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis?”

And the bartender’s, like, “Yeah. Why, what did you wish for?”

And the guy’s, like, “World peace.”

So the bartender is understandably ashamed.

And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender.

And the bartender’s, like, “I feel like I should explain myself further.”

And the guy’s, like, “You don’t have to.”

But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, “I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate.”

And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, “Where do you think that comes from?”

And the bartender’s, like, “I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow.”

And the guy’s, like, “Have you ever seen anyone about this?”

And the bartender’s, like, “Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface.”

So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, “Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life.”

And the bartender’s, like, “Tell me more about that.” And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey.

And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, “He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident.”

And the bartender’s, like, “That’s horrible.”

And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, “You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician!”

And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, “When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . .”

And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, “I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man.”

And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smoke—and a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears!

And the pianist is, like, “I said ‘old man,’ not ‘old van’!”

And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, “Your genie’s hard of hearing.”

And the bartender says, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”

And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, “Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me.”

And the bartender’s, like, “No, it’s not like that.” You know, trying to backpedal.

And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, “Once an accident, always an accident.” And he drinks all of his whiskey.

And the bartender’s, like, “Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, “Well, I didn’t mean that.”

And the bartender’s, like, “Whoa, calm down.”

And the pianist is, like, “**** you!” And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, “**** you, asshole! **** you!”

And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms.

And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, “My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him.” And he starts weeping.

And the bartender’s, like, “No, you’re not. You’re better than he was.”

And the pianist is, like, “That’s not true. I’m worthless!”

And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, “Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are.”

And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips.

So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie.

So the guy’s, like, “Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed.”

And the genie’s, like, “Who says they’re broken?” And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other.

And the guy’s, like, “Well done.”

And then the genie says, “That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend.”

And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment.

And the genie’s, like, “I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far.”

And the guy’s, like, “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me.”

(by Simon Rich )
Death comes as the harsh victory of the law of our ancestors over the dimension of our becoming ~monsieur dupont, Nihilist Communism

please listen to Dingo and TRON MAXIMUM !!
#2
I knew you'd be my new favorite user.


EDIT: Oh, I thought you wrote that, didn't get to the end. Still, I love this.
#3
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
I knew you'd be my new favorite user.


EDIT: Oh, I thought you wrote that, didn't get to the end. Still, I love this.


LOL, I posted this for you tbh, to assuage your dissapointment. I figured you'd appreciate it. I probably should have mentioned the author at the beginning tho sorry :/ I will write some ****ed up jokes one day
Death comes as the harsh victory of the law of our ancestors over the dimension of our becoming ~monsieur dupont, Nihilist Communism

please listen to Dingo and TRON MAXIMUM !!
#5
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
I knew you'd be my new favorite user.


EDIT: Oh, I thought you wrote that, didn't get to the end. Still, I love this.


You hadn't read that one before?
There's no such thing; there never was. Where I am going you cannot follow me now.
#7
Quote by GuitarGod_92
Am I just missing the punchline or was this just stupid


have you never heard the 12 Inch Pianist joke before? It's just a short story riffing on it. I thought it had good gags (the bartender feeling insecure because he wished for a big penis when the other guy wished for world peace and trying to awkwardly explain himself, etc.)
Death comes as the harsh victory of the law of our ancestors over the dimension of our becoming ~monsieur dupont, Nihilist Communism

please listen to Dingo and TRON MAXIMUM !!
#8
Meh. Too much buildup for not enough payoff.
THE FORUM UPDATE KILLED THE GRADIENT STAR

Baltimore Orioles: 2014 AL Eastern Division Champions, 2017: 50-54
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#9
Quote by necrosis1193
Meh. Too much buildup for not enough payoff.

+1
Quote by Diemon Dave
Don't go ninjerin nobody don't need ninjerin'
#10
Quote by necrosis1193
Meh. Too much buildup for not enough payoff.

Ах, так вы не пьете и не курите?
Хорошо для вас: вы здоровым умрете!
#11
Quote by LauraMarx at #33552554
LOL, I posted this for you tbh, to assuage your dissapointment. I figured you'd appreciate it. I probably should have mentioned the author at the beginning tho sorry :/ I will write some ****ed up jokes one day

Haha well thank you, it cheered me up.
#12
Quote by Zaphikh at #33552574


You suck McBain!
THE FORUM UPDATE KILLED THE GRADIENT STAR

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#13
Quote by LauraMarx
So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man,

I think there's a hyphen that you've misplaced. with "one-foot-tall man" it should be "one-foot tall man".

reasoning is for biological implications. With the hyphen it suggests that the pianist is only twelve inches tall. That is humanly impossible. Remove the hyphen, and you have a tall man, who only has one leg.

Other than that the bartender is a proper dickhead for not telling the guy about how the genie mishears everything
it's all just coming back
it's all coming back

it's all coming back to me
#14
Quote by Baby Joel
I think there's a hyphen that you've misplaced. with "one-foot-tall man" it should be "one-foot tall man".

reasoning is for biological implications. With the hyphen it suggests that the pianist is only twelve inches tall. That is humanly impossible. Remove the hyphen, and you have a tall man, who only has one leg.

Other than that the bartender is a proper dickhead for not telling the guy about how the genie mishears everything


n-no i-
Death comes as the harsh victory of the law of our ancestors over the dimension of our becoming ~monsieur dupont, Nihilist Communism

please listen to Dingo and TRON MAXIMUM !!
#15
Quote by Baby Joel
I think there's a hyphen that you've misplaced. with "one-foot-tall man" it should be "one-foot tall man".

reasoning is for biological implications. With the hyphen it suggests that the pianist is only twelve inches tall. That is humanly impossible. Remove the hyphen, and you have a tall man, who only has one leg.

Other than that the bartender is a proper dickhead for not telling the guy about how the genie mishears everything

I was gonna write explaining how you're wrong but I totally jumbled up what you're saying.
#17
Quote by Pastafarian96
that was ludicrous.




'sup.
Quote by Diemon Dave
Don't go ninjerin nobody don't need ninjerin'
#18
That was the best thing since the anti-joke thread 3 years ago
Don't you hate it when you're reading a sentence and it doesn't end how you testicles.

Did you hear the one about the boy with the short atten
#20
i remember one time my mates and I tried to get into a club, cause our other mates were doing a gig there. It was 18+, and none of us were 18 (16 or 17 was average). the bouncer said he'd have been alright with it, but cops did a run in that area, and he doesn't want to jeopardise himself the club and/or us.

Anyway, my mate gives me a cigarette so i'll look older. thing is like, 22 y/o me without my beard I look like 16. And at 16 I looked 14. So I take the cigarette, but I never smoked it cause you know. cigs are gross/bad/whatever/rebelagainsttherebel. So I literally just stoo there, with my mate trying to convince the guy, and all I did was just tap thecig every now and then to get rid of the ash. Literally did not do anything at all

looking back it must've been real dumb, and i probably looked like such a try hard

anyway, my mates band gets kicked out cause they're not over 18, and it got weird. Their promoter had worked through the legality of it, and came to an agreement where they could play there, but I guess the club was all like 'nah'

anyway, afterwards we went to a bar and I had a sprite and someone brought pizza
it's all just coming back
it's all coming back

it's all coming back to me
#21
that. was. amazing
Quote by ErikLensherr
Did you hear about the cockney Godfather?

He made them an offer they couldn't understand.
#22
I read this.

And then I continued reading.

And all the while all I could focus on was the wording.

And the formatting.

And how pretty much every single sentence began with the word "And". Not all, but most.

And ended with a line break.

And I think that's pretty shitty writing, like something an 8-year-old would write.

And no 8-year-old should be writing about 12 inch pianists.

And no matter how funny people may find this that's inexcusable.

And it's not even that funny.
🙈 🙉 🙊
#25
A baby seal goes into a bar.

Barmans says "what'll you have?"

Baby seal replies "anything but Canadian Club".
Quote by Diemon Dave
Don't go ninjerin nobody don't need ninjerin'
#27
A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar.

The landlord goes "is this some kind of joke?"
Quote by Diemon Dave
Don't go ninjerin nobody don't need ninjerin'
#29
A horse walks into a bar.

Barman asks "why the long face?"
Quote by Diemon Dave
Don't go ninjerin nobody don't need ninjerin'
#31
A guy walks into a bar, and the barman says "why the long face?"

hahha, see? cause he was a horse! LONG FACE!

*edit, oops sorry slapsy, just seen your post. That wasn't a dig at you.
Last edited by UltimateGuizar at Aug 17, 2015,
#32
Quote by entity0009 at #33554231
I read this.

And then I continued reading.

And all the while all I could focus on was the wording.

And the formatting.

And how pretty much every single sentence began with the word "And". Not all, but most.

And ended with a line break.

And I think that's pretty shitty writing, like something an 8-year-old would write.

And no 8-year-old should be writing about 12 inch pianists.

And no matter how funny people may find this that's inexcusable.

And it's not even that funny.

It's an affectation of someone telling a joke.


It's not exactly meant to be funny in the disposable, single-use sense. It's not aiming for a punchline.
#33
Quote by entity0009 at #33554231
I read this.

And then I continued reading.

And all the while all I could focus on was the wording.

And the formatting.

And how pretty much every single sentence began with the word "And". Not all, but most.

And ended with a line break.

And I think that's pretty shitty writing, like something an 8-year-old would write.

And no 8-year-old should be writing about 12 inch pianists.

And no matter how funny people may find this that's inexcusable.

And it's not even that funny.


I was wondering if I was the only one who was bugged by that.

And I'm glad I'm not.

Quote by ali.guitarkid7 at #33554335
It's an affectation of someone telling a joke.


It's one that I have not seen with a single joke or story before, so it being a joke is not an explanation from where I'm standing. It's a stylistic decision, and a poor one at that. It's certainly not what I expect from a writer for The New Yorker. Then again, it's a New York-centric publication, so I guess their inability to speak properly kind of makes sense.

It's not exactly meant to be funny in the disposable, single-use sense. It's not aiming for a punchline.


"It's a joke, but it's a joke that's not trying to be funny. Its goal isn't to amuse people."

So it's Donald Trump?
THE FORUM UPDATE KILLED THE GRADIENT STAR

Baltimore Orioles: 2014 AL Eastern Division Champions, 2017: 50-54
Baltimore Ravens: 2012 World Champions, 2017: 0-0
2017 NFL Pick 'Em: 0-0
#34
That's not what I said. It's a short story that uses the affectation of someone telling a joke, but it isn't telling a joke.


It is comic. It's just not a joke.
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Aug 17, 2015,
#35
A skeleton walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender, "I'll have a glass of your finest whiskey and a towel to mop up the floor afterwards."

--

Why don't dyslexic people drink lemonade?
Because life gives them melons.

Quote by Alix_D
Never heard of Seinfeld, what kind of music do they play? Assuming they use Kramers, it must be heavy!



SAVE GIBSON

Last edited by Eruption1991 at Aug 17, 2015,
#36
it's essentially the same as the aristocrats joke, right? The final line has nothing to do with anything, and the whole joke is this mass ad lib section where basically you make family relationships into incredibly bizarre incest thing, and apparnetly the more taboo, the better.

idk jokes are dumn
it's all just coming back
it's all coming back

it's all coming back to me
#38
ITT: joel doesn't know how to grammar
Quote by yellowfrizbee
What does a girl have to do to get it in the butt thats all I ever wanted from you. Why, Ace? Why? I clean my asshole every night hoping and wishing and it never happens.
Bitches be Crazy.

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
#39
Ах, так вы не пьете и не курите?
Хорошо для вас: вы здоровым умрете!
#40
Quote by Acϵ♠
ITT: joel doesn't know how to grammar

there are many things i do not know how to [thing]
it's all just coming back
it's all coming back

it's all coming back to me
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