#1
Today you could not see across the valley,
you could not see the ocean
though you knew it was there, the empty distance,
the peculiar calm of quiet music,
songs of ignorance, rock and roll, give me
the beat boys, and free my soul,
Cecelio's brother pulls up alongside
the tow truck and honks, flicks us off
from his muscle car and peels away--
that was my brother, Cecelio explains
and a certain strangeness disperses
through the open windows, steams up from the asphalt
and vanishes in yellow light between buildings.

In the mechanics waiting room
the news runs backwards--cops
are bringing people back to life,
EMTs kill them so they can be reborn,
strange airships suck light
from Erbil and it sleeps in relative quiet,
static nightvision green and day breaks to the west.
Back in the studio the news anchor
swallows all her words, they fold up again
backwards and outside there is nobody listening
or there to watch you skip the gate to the subway.
The trains pull in broadcasting the stations they are coming from.
Nobody talks about where we are going but we all have a certain feeling about it.
I feel myself deteriorate. Well up in one drawn out motion.
I am crying when I reach you and when we embrace.
My hands shake when I hold out the keys to you and walk away, head back
down to the valley, to the park near it's north end, the hill and the trail
populated with expensive phones and jogging gear, a parade of glistening stomachs
and frayed hair, photographs,
a view out into the morning, into the distance
which is not endless, which has an end towards the ocean
that you cannot reach.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Sep 12, 2015,
#2
Quote by jiminizzle
rock and roll, give me
the beat boys, and free my soul,


Meh.

Quote by jiminizzle

In the mechanics waiting room
the news runs backwards--cops
are bringing people back to life,
EMTs kill them so they can be reborn,
strange airships suck light
from Erbil and it sleeps in relative quiet,
static nightvision green and day breaks to the west.
Back in the studio the news anchor
swallows all her words, they fold up again
backwards and outside there is nobody listening
or there to watch you skip the gate to the subway.
The trains pull in broadcasting the stations they are coming from.
Nobody talks about where we are going but we all have a certain feeling about it.
I feel myself deteriorate. Well up in one drawn out motion.
I am crying when I reach you and when we embrace.
My hands shake when I hold out the keys to you and walk away, head back
down to the valley, to the park near it's north end, the hill and the trail
populated with expensive phones and jogging gear, a parade of glistening stomachs
and frayed hair, photographs,
a view out into the morning, into the distance
which is not endless, which has an end towards the ocean
that you cannot reach.


I say, get rid of the first part and keep this.

Quote by jiminizzle

My hands shake when I hold out the keys to you and walk away, head back
down to the valley, to the park near it's north end, the hill and the trail
populated with expensive phones and jogging gear, a parade of glistening stomachs
and frayed hair, photographs,
a view out into the morning, into the distance
which is not endless, which has an end towards the ocean
that you cannot reach.


That is, once again, outstanding.

#3
Quote by phantom1
Meh.


hah i hope it's at least obvious that part was a 'joke' (i don't know the proper word for it, not a funny joke but tongue in cheek), sort of the absurdity of hearing that ****ing song (or one like it) on the radio on one of the worst days of your life. maybe it isn't working well either way.

funny, or possibly very astute you mentioned what you did though, the writing of this began with "in the mechanics waiting room..." but i wasn't sure that was a good opening. it was the natural one though so maybe you're right.

thanks for reading m'dear, and taking the time to comment. glad for the encouragement with the ending as well.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Sep 14, 2015,
#4
Quote by jiminizzle
hah i hope it's at least obvious that part was a 'joke' (i don't know the proper word for it, not a funny joke but tongue in cheek), sort of the absurdity of hearing that ****ing song (or one like it) on the radio on one of the worst days of your life. maybe it isn't working well either way.

funny, or possibly very astute you mentioned what you did though, the writing of this began with "in the mechanics waiting room..." but i wasn't sure that was a good opening. it was the natural one though so maybe you're right.

thanks for reading m'dear, and taking the time to comment. glad for the encouragement with the ending as well.


Anytime. Thought I'd check in after not having been on this forum for like 2 years? Doubt I'll be around much, but you can always hit me up on Facebook now if you'd like me to read something or just, you know, chat.
#5
I want to put in a proper crit later, but in the meantime, this is a lovely read. There is a theme of the unspoken that really resonates (isn't that why we write poems? aren't we trying to put words around something that's hard to put words around?) in a few different images, in a few different ways.

There's a point when you say it upfront ("Nobody talks about where we are going but we all have a certain feeling about it") and times that are more subtle ("I am crying when I reach you and when we embrace"). I like that. The combination keeps it from getting lost. There's a paradox to picking the right words to talk about the unspoken, and I am feeling the tension of that paradox.

Also, I like the addition of shitty lyrics. That song is so cringey, I think it gives it texture - maybe quotation marks would make it a little clearer?
Quote by Arthur Curry
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#6
For me the lyrics feel weird because of the way they're not just wrapped into the rhyme but also the line breaks of the first stanza. You could go with quotation marks or italics or something, but I wonder if they would pop out just enough if the lyrics were their own line in the stanza.

I'm also not sure whether to take the lyrics as diegetic or not, whether they're actually being heard on the radio in the tow-truck, or if the lyrics are just where your thoughts about that "peculiar calm of quiet music" took you. That's a little bit of a cinematic way of looking at it, but I think you're writing in a very cinematic way, especially in the second stanza:

the news runs backwards--cops
are bringing people back to life,
EMTs kill them so they can be reborn,
strange airships suck light
from Erbil and it sleeps in relative quiet,
static nightvision green and day breaks to the west.
Back in the studio the news anchor
swallows all her words, they fold up again
backwards and outside there is nobody listening
or there to watch you skip the gate to the subway.
The trains pull in broadcasting the stations they are coming from.


but then again you are describing what's happening on a screen. It's an interesting section in contrast to the very direct actions of the first stanza and second half of the second stanza. I definitely feel a lot of the unspoken in this like Saadia mentioned, but also like I don't quite understand the dramatic situation as well as I think would be most involving (maybe it's the change from third person to second person that has me). Really beautiful lines throughout, though. There's a wonderful bewildering restlessness.
#7


i actually preferred the first part. make of that what you will. in fact i also really liked the exact end part that phantom pointed out above. but i didn't think much of the middle part. i can't tell you why exactly because i don't really know, other than to say that it was like rain on my skin and it went away. the other parts stayed with me.





love is a dog from hell.



#8
Quote by we have sound


i actually preferred the first part. make of that what you will. in fact i also really liked the exact end part that phantom pointed out above. but i didn't think much of the middle part. i can't tell you why exactly because i don't really know, other than to say that it was like rain on my skin and it went away. the other parts stayed with me.


My friend, a pleasure to find you've read something after so long <3 thanks
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me