#1
This is really my first shot at trying to write lyrics so constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. I don't think the form really lends itself to a song yet, but I'm just going for content right now. If it's shit, of which there's a good chance, tell my why instead of just telling me that I should abandon all hope. Anyway here it is.

That face on the wall, in timeless watch
Cold and unfeeling, mirrors my stare
That same old face that never changes
Save for hands which motion engages

Ticking time keeps time ticking
In perfect cadence, routine so rhythmic
No doubt ahead is what's left behind
A circle, I think, or maybe a line

In disgust I listen, tick tick tock
Enraged, forced to obey that fucking clock
Life and Death. “To live is to die”. Whose philosophy
Perpetuate false dichotomy

Driven by madness I lose my cool
I rip off the face, the hands dismembered
The ticking has ceased, but what of time?
I'm feeling at ease. How sublime!
People don't really go to heaven when they die. They're taken to a special place and burned - Sherlock Holmes


Your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass!

It's not like bullshit, more like poetry.
#2
A lot of good ideas in this draft. Not afraid of a challenge working with philosophy and dichotomy is a big leap from rhyming moon and June.

Below is a paraphrasing of a few of your lines that is still a bit rough. My hope was to make them more like a story. It is easy to get stuck in your own head. Sometimes a little different take is helpful to see. Let me know if you want more feedback. If you are interested in collaborating we could do that too and see where it goes.

A face on the wall that never changes
Hands circle round a constant stare
Ticking out an endless cadence
Marching to the end of all our races

This is a link to a pretty cool song about time. It rambles a little too much for my taste but the thoughts and imagery are good. Your words/lyrics are a considerably different angle still it came to mind.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yt25Voz1Oh8
#3
Quote by dhdhdh33
A lot of good ideas in this draft. Not afraid of a challenge working with philosophy and dichotomy is a big leap from rhyming moon and June.


Thank you! It is definitely still a rough draft. It's just a theme/idea that had been on my mind and I wanted to try to get it on paper, so to speak. I appreciate your take/paraphrase on my first stanza. I do like it, but I feel as though it takes on more of a removed perspective (as in looking at the concept of time from some sort of indifferent/omniscient perspective).

What I was attempting to go for was a more personal account following a single individual who grows tired of being contained by the subjective construct of time. The more he thinks about it the more it angers him, until finally he becomes irrational and loses control. He takes his anger and loss of control out on an object that is merely a representation of time as though the stopping of the clock's ticking is somehow analogous to the stopping of a human heart.
People don't really go to heaven when they die. They're taken to a special place and burned - Sherlock Holmes


Your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass!

It's not like bullshit, more like poetry.
#4
Good deal. Sometimes I have been given and idea that was not directly used in a song but lead to a different thought process that was helpful. Good luck with it you have a cool idea.
#5
Wow.. its really amazing to read and i think that song is going to rock would you like to share your song video or audio lyrics with music ? i just want to listen it with music beeps
Last edited by ashtonbrady45 at Nov 4, 2015,
#6
This is a great Lyric, it shows creativity and will to experiment, to express yourself in your own way.
It´s clever, without being pseudo intellectual, this would be awesome in a indie-low fi song, filled with emotion and intimacy.
#7
Thanks man! I appreciate your feedback. I had actually intended to try to work it into the metal genre xD. It still doesn't have a song form so I'm open to constructive criticism on how to get it there.
People don't really go to heaven when they die. They're taken to a special place and burned - Sherlock Holmes


Your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass!

It's not like bullshit, more like poetry.