#1
Hey guys, this is my first attempt at formally writing a song. Please feel free to tell me how I did.


i sit with blank expressions on my face
all i want is for it to be erased
they say it's not the prize but is the chase
but all i see is pain
a stick and a stone might break your bone
but words that come from the ruling throne
are just enough to kill you mentally

dead insides with a living brain
from life you will abstain
the voice inside will maul and maim
to the point where you just kill yourself
But hey, you're already dead
all because of what it said
and how it actually behaves

all i hear is static piercing through my ears
and now i realize no one else hears
the voices scream at me for years
and now i'm done
don't cry over me because it's too late
and please dont just call it fate
please just realize it wasn't me
Your reading this!
#2
Hey mikefire, nice job getting these lyrics done. I think it's a fantastic first go.

If you're a lyrics first kind of guy - and if you want your songs to be cohesive lyrically - try to make your "story" flow like a movie. I feel that for the whole of your lyrics, you stated the problem, and at the end, you just, well, ended it ha. Can you lay out the facts, create some tension (movement), and then have the story unfold rapidly (climax)?

Great job, though. Keep going.
#3
Good. As the previous comment touched on, you may need to structure it a bit more. Not necessarily as a story, since your song is more about how someone feels than a series of events taking place, but it helps to try to frame it in a similar way. It looks like you were thinking along those lines somewhat, but try focusing on two things: the first line of the song, and the last line.

Especially, for your song, you should consider the last line. "Just realize it wasn't me" feels a bit weak. I'm reminded of a style guide I've read on prose warning about negative statements, it better to tell what is, rather than what is not, like "Just realize that it was you/her/him/the system/etc".

On and all, for a first effort it's good. My first song was so bad it hurts me physically to think about it. By the way, I suggest reading up on written composition. Even books on prose are great, many of the guidelines can be applied to song writing. Good-luck, keep writing!
#4
The words are definitely strong and the message is clear. For me the line "all I want is to be erased" is really strong. It rips your guts out. Might consider using at the start of each phrase or at the start of multiple phrases throughout. I put a couple of samples below to illustrate what I mean. I think this style of ending is not the strongest. Maybe something like "Trapped now but it wasn't always me".

All I want is it to be erased
Take this blank expression on my face
Avoiding all is avoiding pain

All I want is it to be erased
Dead inside this living brain
All echoes there is maul and maim

Great job. Keep writing.