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#1
Lately I have watched this video and it got me thinking.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lKfPnIvf3Q

I have tried to be honest with my parents on a lot of personal issues, because I love them and I feel they deserve to know the truth. I confessed to them that at times, my life had been completely devoid of meaning, that it felt like it meant absolutely nothing to anyone. And that it got to a point where on several occasions, I had attempted suicide. They responded quickly that they wouldn't give a fuck if I was dead. That I am a coward. That if I think life is devoid of meaning, imagine how devoid of meaning it is for them, and that'll put my problems into real perspective.

My parents have threatened to kick me out of the house if they hear one sign of what they believe to be ungratefulness for them to still allow me to live with them at 23, when really all I'm trying to tell them is my honest feelings. They've openly said that I should treat it as an act of charity, rather than love. I'd love to just be able to leave, but I don't have anywhere near a sustainable income to be able to do that.

So far, I've done all I can to be a people pleaser to protect my ability to have a roof over my head. But I hate hiding my feelings away. I hate hearing them complaining about their problems each and every single day, while all I can do is keep my mouth shut and serve them. I don't feel as though I'm doing the right thing, but I have to protect my ability to live here or else I risk being homeless. But I love them so much, and I hate being dishonest by telling them that 'everything is fine'.

Is what I'm doing justified? Or would it be more honourable to be more frank?
Quote by TheSennaj
And well yes, I'll enjoy the carpal tunnel and tendonitis, because trying to get one is clearly smarter than any word you have spoken thus far.
#2
You do realize that it's not dishonest to just keep quiet tho right

Like I'm like upfront completely honest like 98% of the time but I know there's a time to just not say shit too
#3
Quote by GuitarGod_92 at #33626191
You do realize that it's not dishonest to just keep quiet tho right

Like I'm like upfront completely honest like 98% of the time but I know there's a time to just not say shit too

Even if I'm asked how things are going when they're really not okay?

Obviously it isn't appropriate to talk to a stranger about my personal problems, but these are my parents.
Quote by TheSennaj
And well yes, I'll enjoy the carpal tunnel and tendonitis, because trying to get one is clearly smarter than any word you have spoken thus far.
#4
Quote by T00DEEPBLUE
Even if I'm asked how things are going when they're really not okay?

Obviously it isn't appropriate to talk to a stranger about my personal problems, but these are my parents.

Respond with something noncommittal like "it's going" or something

You don't need to talk to your parents about shit if you don't want to, and if you do want to then you're fucked cuz your parents kinda sound like dicks tbh
#5
for what it's worth I've managed to mask my general malaise with the words 'surviving' and 'satisfactory'.

alternatively you could internalise it and make some groundbreaking art in 20yrs time before your tragic but expected suicide, the final confirmation of the honesty of your cripplingly depressive, ulcerated work.

or something
they're coming to take me away
ha-haaa
Last edited by Banjocal at Oct 6, 2015,
#6
I think you're being whiny. Just speaking honestly.

...modes and scales are still useless.


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#7
Quote by Xiaoxi at #33626206
I think you're being whiny. Just speaking honestly.

How come?
Quote by TheSennaj
And well yes, I'll enjoy the carpal tunnel and tendonitis, because trying to get one is clearly smarter than any word you have spoken thus far.
#8
All I know is that that it's fucking hard to be truthful to a girlfriend who is making completely wrong life decisions and not upsetting her it's so annoying
#9
To be honest having your parents worried about you being suicidal is not a good feeing either.
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#10
Quote by EndTheRapture51
All I know is that that it's fucking hard to be truthful to a girlfriend who is making completely wrong life decisions and not upsetting her it's so annoying
i was going to make a 'YOU have a gf?' joke but then I remembered that I can't fucking talk

and now I'm feelin them blues
they're coming to take me away
ha-haaa
#11
Quote by drunkseph at #33626215
To be honest having your parents worried about you being suicidal is not a good feeing either.

Of course it isn't. But they I felt they needed to know, even if the news wouldn't be easy to take.

And besides, what is more terrifying; your son being suicidal and you knowing, or your son being suicidal and you not knowing?
Quote by TheSennaj
And well yes, I'll enjoy the carpal tunnel and tendonitis, because trying to get one is clearly smarter than any word you have spoken thus far.
#13
Quote by T00DEEPBLUE
How come?

I'm weary of all the "life devoid of meaning" stuff which seems to be so popular in the pit...

You're right, there is no meaning. We all die insignificantly. Who cares? Go get a job, keep yourself busy. Create meaning for yourself. The problem is you have it TOO good. You haven't needed to truly struggle. For 23 years, your parents have provided you a cushy living. You think Syrian refugee kids are contemplating on whether their life has meaning?

...modes and scales are still useless.


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#14
Childish assumptions about another person's mental health IRT their living situation aside, it might pay to learn about relative privation.
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ha-haaa
#15
Quote by GuitarGod_92 at #33626191
You do realize that it's not dishonest to just keep quiet tho right

Like I'm like upfront completely honest like 98% of the time but I know there's a time to just not say shit too


really good point. I don't tell the majority of my friends, or any of my family, not because i'm being dishonest, but because i don't want to. Is it dishonest to not tell someone i just took a massive shit? no, because its okay to keep things to yourself sometimes

Quote by Xiaoxi at #33626229
I'm weary of all the "life devoid of meaning" stuff which seems to be so popular in the pit...

You're right, there is no meaning. We all die insignificantly. Who cares? Go get a job, keep yourself busy. Create meaning for yourself. The problem is you have it TOO good. You haven't needed to truly struggle. For 23 years, your parents have provided you a cushy living. You think Syrian refugee kids are contemplating on whether their life has meaning?


this is a fair reflection of western/advanced society to be honest. We literally don't have a meaning. Before all the technology and civilization, our meaning was to survive and reproduce, but now survival is handed to us, and reproduction isn't truly necessary
Eat your pheasant
Drink your wine
Your days are numbered, bourgeois swine!
Last edited by Bladez22 at Oct 6, 2015,
#16
Honest communication is something I have never been able to do. I cant be honest about anything that actually involves my feelings. If its something irrelevant, not about me, or unimportant I can talk about it though.

I cant really give advise on this subject.
#17
Quote by Xiaoxi at #33626229
I'm weary of all the "life devoid of meaning" stuff which seems to be so popular in the pit...

Nobody is forcing you to stay here. If it makes you so weary, why not leave?
You're right, there is no meaning. We all die insignificantly. Who cares? Go get a job, keep yourself busy. Create meaning for yourself. The problem is you have it TOO good. You haven't needed to truly struggle. For 23 years, your parents have provided you a cushy living. You think Syrian refugee kids are contemplating on whether their life has meaning?

I have a job. and I'm helping my parents with all kinds of things every single day. I've got plenty of things going on. Stop making bullshit assumptions.

Saying that I have no right to be unhappy because other people have it worse is just like saying that I have no right to be happy because other people have it better.
Quote by TheSennaj
And well yes, I'll enjoy the carpal tunnel and tendonitis, because trying to get one is clearly smarter than any word you have spoken thus far.
Last edited by T00DEEPBLUE at Oct 6, 2015,
#18
Quote by Banjocal
Childish assumptions about another person's mental health IRT their living situation aside, it might pay to learn about relative privation.


This

I have massive trouble with honest communication. It causes really horrible issues with everyone around me but I can't bring myself to actually talk about stuff because that shit's hard and stuff
#19
Quote by T00DEEPBLUE

Saying that I have no right to be unhappy because other people have it worse is just like saying that I have no right to be happy because other people have it better.


agreed.
Some people have it way better and are still in these positions. Have you never heard the story of the football captain kid whose parents have shit tons of money and he gets everything he asks for but he is all depressed?
#20
Quote by Fatlumpthe1st
I have massive trouble with honest communication. It causes really horrible issues with everyone around me but I can't bring myself to actually talk about stuff because that shit's hard and stuff
I'm just a compulsive liar, just as I said to Steven King in his Uganda holiday bunker only last Sunday.
they're coming to take me away
ha-haaa
#22
Quote by Banjocal
I'm just a compulsive liar, just as I said to Steven King in his Uganda holiday bunker only last Sunday.


I used to be a huuuge compulsive liar, but I eventually got out of that habit and started saying nothing instead. The lies i told for attention years ago were so extreme I cringe just thinking about it
#23
Quote by EndTheRapture51 at #33626212
All I know is that that it's fucking hard to be truthful to a girlfriend who is making completely wrong life decisions and not upsetting her it's so annoying

I feel that if you love a person enough, honest communication becomes easier. Because even if your concerns ruin them, even if it means that you won't be in a relationship with them anymore, all that matters is that they're healthy and that they'll one day live well and die well.
Quote by TheSennaj
And well yes, I'll enjoy the carpal tunnel and tendonitis, because trying to get one is clearly smarter than any word you have spoken thus far.
Last edited by T00DEEPBLUE at Oct 6, 2015,
#24
Quote by Fatlumpthe1st
I used to be a huuuge compulsive liar, but I eventually got out of that habit and started saying nothing instead. The lies i told for attention years ago were so extreme I cringe just thinking about it
I too used to tell a lot of very tall tales about my experiences. Most of The Tommyknockers is based on a drunken improvisation I told Steve one night. I and my magical talking Leopard had a good laugh about that.
they're coming to take me away
ha-haaa
#25
Quote by T00DEEPBLUE
Nobody is forcing you to stay here. If it makes you so weary, why not leave?
jesus quit being so sensitive

weary as in reluctant to accept in earnest

I have a job. and I'm helping my parents with all kinds of things every single day. I've got plenty of things going on. Stop making bullshit assumptions.

Saying that I have no right to be unhappy because other people have it worse is just like saying that I have no right to be happy because other people have it better.

Who said you have no right to be unhappy? Being happy is not some permanent state of mind that you're supposed to achieve. Happiness is fleeting. It all boils down to how you choose to deal with the unsatisfactory points in your life. I only bring up the refugees as an example because unlike you, they do not have a choice. It says something when left with no choice, people generally fight to survive. So you telling your parents that you find no meaning or value in your life just sounds petty. Parenting is hard and it can obviously be infuriating if you've spent 23 years working to provide just to have the benefactor of all that work show no appreciation.

...modes and scales are still useless.


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#26
all this conjecture, strawmanning and assertions of choice over mental illness + outlook

they're coming to take me away
ha-haaa
Last edited by Banjocal at Oct 6, 2015,
#27
Quote by Xiaoxi at #33626301
jesus quit being so sensitive

weary as in reluctant to accept in earnest

I find your problem with being unable to accept the general pessimism of the pit a very petty one too.
Who said you have no right to be unhappy?

Whether you're calling it petty to be depressed or petty to be unhappy, the phrase still holds true.
I only bring up the refugees as an example because unlike you, they do not have a choice. It says something when left with no choice, people generally fight to survive. So you telling your parents that you find no meaning or value in your life just sounds petty. Parenting is hard and it can obviously be infuriating if you've spent 23 years working to provide just to have the benefactor of all that work show no appreciation.

No appreciation? More bullshit strawmanning, I see.

The reason I wanted to confide in them my true feelings is because I love them for what they have done for me. I live on a principle that says that the people I love the most deserve the most honesty. So being willing to expose that vulnerable side of me, even if it hurts them, is pretty telling of how much I trust their judgement.

Every day, I do the best I can in trying to help my family with paying the bills and performing tasks that they can't. You're in no position to tell me that I'm not. But since you think you can, you can fuck off.
Quote by TheSennaj
And well yes, I'll enjoy the carpal tunnel and tendonitis, because trying to get one is clearly smarter than any word you have spoken thus far.
Last edited by T00DEEPBLUE at Oct 6, 2015,
#28
In my experience, being brutally honest results in you having less company. However, the bonds you maintain will be way stronger and more meaningful because of it.

If being honest to your parents makes things difficult like that, I think you need to find more/better supports. At the very least, there has to be some support groups out there you can reach out to. Maybe you could get connected with some professionals to voluntarily confront your parents for you and make them understand what's going on- there are people out there who are familiar with these situations and may be able to get the point across.

From what I gather here, you are going through depression. One of the worst possible ways your parents could react is by making you feel bad about it- this always makes it worse.

There are ways to support people without coddling them and encouraging them to be useless- dealing with mental illness isn't about giving people everything they want. I think one of the best things people can do is maintain healthy, meaningful relationships with others.
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#29
Some people don't deserve or want your honesty. You tried to share, and that is commendable. One of the most important things my counselors/therapists ever told me is that often, your family and friends are not equipped to help you in the way that you need. Is that fair? No, but sadly, existence isn't fair; you still have to protect yourself to survive. That either means accepting that your parents don't get it and no longer sharing it with them, or, getting the hell out of there ASAP (which I assume you are currently doing.)

Even if you leave, if you don't accept your family's incapability to adequately cope with your depression, the resentment that you feel towards them may linger forever, even when you're not around them. The biggest thing that helped me was building a support system around me that was outside of my family. I personally tried to build it around people who I felt really, really understood me and who were of different ages. It's taken me years, and I've made mistakes, and I've trusted a lot of people that I eventually distanced myself from, but the people who have stuck through it with me while shit has hit the fan are the people that I trust with my "inner self" more than my family. Having my support system to rely on has also made it a lot easier to get along with my family - because they aren't controlling me anymore, and I don't often find myself relying on them for anything.

For centuries, in countless cultures, humans had extended family systems that we lived with or around. If you couldn't talk to your parents about something, there was an aunt or cousin or neighbor - some other mentor or kin. A lot of us don't have that anymore, especially in developed countries: you live around your immediate family, if that, and that's about it. Maybe you see your extended family often, maybe you don't, but more often than not, it's likely that they are far away and you're mostly seeing your parents and/or siblings pretty exclusively. The probability of being around two shitty parents is the same as the probability of being around two awesome parents, without any additional factors of having extended family around to talk to or spend time with, so your options are slim. It's tough but everything changes when you move out. You have the burden and thrill of getting to pick your own extended family, so choose carefully, and expect bumps.
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Last edited by vintage x metal at Oct 6, 2015,
#30
Your parents don't understand how you feel, and they've interpreted what you've said as more hostile than you intended. You might have better luck talking to a therapist or someone who won't judge you.

I'm in no position to give advice, since I'm in a similar situation. I've been following this thread closely and I think both sides of the argument are valid.
#31
I can relate to that so much.
I also have problems like that with my family. In my opinion I'd keep my mouth shut for now. So that I won't end up on the streets. Being dishonest is bad yes, but sometimes you have no choice.

It's up to you, and good luck with whichever choice you go with. Just be prepared for whatever happens next.
#32
Quote by vintage x metal at #33626324
Some people don't deserve or want your honesty. You tried to share, and that is commendable. One of the most important things my counselors/therapists ever told me is that often, your family and friends are not equipped to help you in the way that you need. Is that fair? No, but sadly, existence isn't fair; you still have to protect yourself to survive. That either means accepting that your parents don't get it and no longer sharing it with them, or, getting the hell out of there ASAP (which I assume you are currently doing.)

Even if you leave, if you don't accept your family's incapability to adequately cope with your depression, the resentment that you feel towards them may linger forever, even when you're not around them. The biggest thing that helped me was building a support system around me that was outside of my family. I personally tried to build it around people who I felt really, really understood me and who were of different ages. It's taken me years, and I've made mistakes, and I've trusted a lot of people that I eventually distanced myself from, but the people who have stuck through it with me while shit has hit the fan are the people that I trust with my "inner self" more than my family. Having my support system to rely on has also made it a lot easier to get along with my family - because they aren't controlling me anymore, and I don't often find myself relying on them for anything.

For centuries, in countless cultures, humans had extended family systems that we lived with or around. If you couldn't talk to your parents about something, there was an aunt or cousin or neighbor - some other mentor or kin. A lot of us don't have that anymore, especially in developed countries: you live around your immediate family, if that, and that's about it. Maybe you see your extended family often, maybe you don't, but more often than not, it's likely that they are far away and you're mostly seeing your parents and/or siblings pretty exclusively. The probability of being around two shitty parents is the same as the probability of being around two awesome parents, without any additional factors of having extended family around to talk to or spend time with, so your options are slim. It's tough but everything changes when you move out. You have the burden and thrill of getting to pick your own extended family, so choose carefully, and expect bumps.

Thank you.

I've lived in a flat when I was in uni for a year. And while the people I lived with were wankers, living independently of my parents was a big relief. I made as many friends as I could despite it though, and I still often talk to the people I met at around that time. Despite those wankers I lived with, I don't regret the experience.

I've been to many therapists that have used different techniques and I've learned one simple thing out of all those hours of talking; I cannot make this all get better if I don't make it get better. And what every single therapist suggested to me was that my family are toxic and that I need to get the hell out of the house as soon as possible. But that's not going to happen any time soon since of the cost of housing is absolutely insane. People are moving out of their parents houses later and later in their lives and this is one of the main reasons why. (House inflation stagnates the housing market in general because nobody can sell their houses if nobody can afford to buy them. But that's a discussion for another day.)

Right now I'm just trying to get by. Helping my parents pay off the bills, while keeping a little bit in my bank for a rainy day. Maybe one day I'll have an apartment, but I'm a bit pessimistic about that.

I don't have a whole lot of family left to keep in contact because they're all dropping dead like flies and due to financial disagreements, my parents have cut ties with some of my members completely. Really my friends are the people I can reliably contact.
Quote by TheSennaj
And well yes, I'll enjoy the carpal tunnel and tendonitis, because trying to get one is clearly smarter than any word you have spoken thus far.
Last edited by T00DEEPBLUE at Oct 6, 2015,
#33
Quote by T00DEEPBLUE
Thank you.

I've lived in a flat when I was in uni for a year. And while the people I lived with were wankers, living independently of my parents was a big relief. I made as many friends as I could despite it though, and I still often talk to the people I met at around that time. Despite those wankers I lived with, I don't regret the experience.

I've been to many therapists that have used different techniques and I've learned one simple thing out of all those hours of talking; I cannot make this all get better if I don't make it get better. And what every single therapist suggested to me was that my family are toxic and that I need to get the hell out of the house as soon as possible. But that's not going to happen any time soon since of the cost of housing is absolutely insane. People are moving out of their parents houses later and later in their lives and this is one of the main reasons why. (House inflation stagnates the housing market in general because nobody can sell their houses if nobody can afford to buy them. But that's a discussion for another day.)

I don't have a whole lot of family left to keep in contact because they're all dropping dead like flies and due to financial disagreements, my parents have cut ties with some of my members completely. Really my friends are the people I can reliably contact.


Have you got any friends in a similar situation who would be willing to live somewhere new (and very cheap) with you? One big way I was able to become financially independent was staying in the little college town that I still live in right now. Rent here is very cheap because it's a rural area, but the town (while small) is pretty dense with people. I got married when I was 21 and it is a lot cheaper living with another person - we split rent and can share food and other items. Not saying you should get married, lol, but if you have a friend who is trying to get away and is willing to live somewhere super cheap with you and rough it out, it may be a headstart.

That being said, it is a nice option to live with your parents and save up in the meantime as long as you can deal with them.
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#34
Have you got any friends in a similar situation...

If they're in anything like my situation, no.

I know what you're trying to say though.

I've talked to one friend who has tried living with other people too. But his drug addiction and alcoholism lead to arrears and the loss of his apartment.
who would be willing to live somewhere new (and very cheap) with you? One big way I was able to become financially independent was staying in the little college town that I still live in right now. Rent here is very cheap because it's a rural area, but the town (while small) is pretty dense with people. I got married when I was 21 and it is a lot cheaper living with another person - we split rent and can share food and other items. Not saying you should get married, lol, but if you have a friend who is trying to get away and is willing to live somewhere super cheap with you and rough it out, it may be a headstart.


Thanks. I haven't met such a person that would be suitable for such a commitment yet.
Quote by TheSennaj
And well yes, I'll enjoy the carpal tunnel and tendonitis, because trying to get one is clearly smarter than any word you have spoken thus far.
#35
Quote by vintage x metal at #33626414
Have you got any friends in a similar situation...

If they're in anything like my situation, no.

I know what you're trying to say though.

I've talked to one friend who has tried living with other people too. But his drug addiction and alcoholism lead to arrears and the loss of his apartment.


Thanks. I haven't met such a person that would be suitable for such a commitment yet.

well best of luck, hopefully it's sooner than later
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#36
Thank you.
Quote by TheSennaj
And well yes, I'll enjoy the carpal tunnel and tendonitis, because trying to get one is clearly smarter than any word you have spoken thus far.
#37
Quote by T00DEEPBLUE
I feel that if you love a person enough, honest communication becomes easier. Because even if your concerns ruin them, even if it means that you won't be in a relationship with them anymore, all that matters is that they're healthy and that they'll one day live well and die well.

You best be having a fucking giggle here mate because your view on relationships is so far off base Im starting to see why you and your parents are at arms.
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#38
What even is this problem lol.
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#39
Quote by T00DEEPBLUE
I feel that if you love a person enough, honest communication becomes easier. Because even if your concerns ruin them, even if it means that you won't be in a relationship with them anymore, all that matters is that they're healthy and that they'll one day live well and die well.


You need someone to vent to and in this case, how you described your parents' response, it might not be the best idea to keep going to them with it. I think by them saying shit like "you're a coward" and "we don't care if you're dead" reflects more on their own issues; either they don't want to face the fact that their son is dealing with some heavy shit or they are giant cunts. That's on them.

I think most adolescents have the same or similar feelings to what you described although to varying degrees of intensity so it's pretty easy for others to minimize your problems since they lack your particular perspective.
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#40
honesty and open communication only work with a receptive audience. it doesn't sound like you have that. i've found that although many talk about honesty as being great and a big deal, few can really deal with it in an honest way. which often means you have to hand out only as much honesty as the other can handle.

believe me when the old lady says does this dress make me look fat and it does you probably need to think hard about how you answer. honesty deals with the "truth" which again seems to be up for interpretation. if the person on the other end perceives things a certain way then "truth" may be their version of it.

ok enough philosophy. as for your parents well it seems there is more to the story than is being told. i get the sense that they may be somewhat disappointed in how you turned out so far. (i know all about this from both sides of the matter). i was kicked out of the house at a younger age than you're at. i was rather bitter about it for many years but it did put a prod to my ass to get me going and forced me to be independant. perhaps you need to consider this more.
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