#1
You sit and spec the construct over
fine food, wine. Wonder if the wiki
on male grooming was a waste of time,
split atoms with your heart beat
vibrato like a big issue busker
focusing on grime. An artist could
have patented the concept, a still life
model with the edges drawn out in
subtle zigs and zags of nervous lead.
Breathing was easy when weren't
spending minutes wondering if you'd
remembered to make your bed.

Her hands ribbon through the candle flame
like some cheap special effect, an amateur
who fiddles with film and scissors, glue
and sniffs the celluloid as if seducing the
negatives. She whispers, careless I guess,
husky and droll to match the screwball
antics. The waiter wonders if the footsy
he spots beneath our stage is hinting to
a romance for the ages, or just a breeze
that disturbs space-time for a while.

I log his look, and eyebrows raised gesture
for the bill. The ink comes away from the
receipt as I fumble to impress, forgetting
there's a limit set on contactless.
Yet she sits still, her lips tucked upwards
into her cheeks. Soft focus, amber glow,
music slow. I direct her outside, the cold
snaps and I try to offer her my coat sincerely.
The request hangs in the air like a weight.
I qualify: I'm not quoting anything, really.
#2
loved this. it opens up into the concrete nicely, interesting verbs riddled throughout, it's fun and the sounds match that, but it doesn't give up taking seriously the scene at hand in some way. 'whispers, careless' was a bit silly for my liking, given george michael, buti like most everything else here. nice one.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#3
this is really good and i'd advise not changing anything. the imagery is excellent and i can picture the scene very clearly.
Last edited by Dregen at Oct 8, 2015,
#5
Quote by Jammydude44
I direct her outside, the cold
snaps and I try to offer her my coat sincerely.
The request hangs in the air like a weight.


This is the type of imagery I try to create when I write.
It's beautiful.
#6


hi. i read this twice. and i'm telling you now sincerely that there's a few things that i didn't like. but a lot that i did.

i found your form clunky for the first part because of the jarring direct rhymes which kindof stand out like a searchlight and i'm like "whhaaaaaaa why so bright you fool! it's in my eyes! my eyes!" i prefer the subtlety of streetlight. i find form clunky in general though. that might bias me. i should know, because i am me. but i do not. this is an issue for me a lot at the moment.

now.

your middle and end sections i read again because i wanted to and because they were like pringles or a river. i went skinny dipping in a river in the alps once and gulls watched me and leeches and this was like that. refreshing. it was the cold slap of the water and the cold air and i felt everything.





love is a dog from hell.