#1
Tell my Father I'm not coming home,
that I am sorry to leave him alone,
that I only want more and more.
Say there is sun where there once was cold.

Don't tell him the price I must've paid,
only remember those things which went great.
Do not let him cry for my mistakes.
Just keep on smiling even if he breaks.

I cannot talk any much longer,
I pray that tomorrow I will be bolder.
That world has got nothing to offer
and I am calm, but well, I still scuffle.
Last edited by Mrrula at Nov 21, 2015,
#2
Very touching, very sad piece. I like it.

Just don't be afraid to break up the rhyming. Roughly speaking, you have something like an AAAA rhyme scheme, which tends to create a light, sing-songy rhythm.

I'm curious about the "bolder" in the title. Perhaps there's more of this song to be written?

Very intrigued to see/hear what becomes of this, and I'm stickying this for myself.
#3
Quote by kindadumb
Very touching, very sad piece. I like it.

Just don't be afraid to break up the rhyming. Roughly speaking, you have something like an AAAA rhyme scheme, which tends to create a light, sing-songy rhythm.

I'm curious about the "bolder" in the title. Perhaps there's more of this song to be written?

Very intrigued to see/hear what becomes of this, and I'm stickying this for myself.


Thank you for your opinion, it means a lot Yes, I was planning on re-writting, but I didn't come up with anything yet.
#4
This is great. I love the idea of whats being said, I can almost feel the thoughts running through your head as it read it.

I read this a few times so I didn't feel crazy, and maybe I just didn't pick up on the flow, but it seems like you have a few extra words or use multiple when one will do.


"that I am sorry to leave him alone and
that I only want more and more"

------
that I am sorry to leave him all alone
that I only want more and more



"Say there is sun where there once was cold."
-------
Say there is sun where once was cold


"Don't tell him the price that I must've paid,
------
Don't tell him the price I must've paid


I cannot talk any much longer,
------
I cannot talk that much longer,
LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROULER