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#1
This is happening.


Hello UG. I have just lacerated my own anus. It was not me that gashed the organ, but specifically a most violent, heinous, malevolent quarter-pound of shit. I believe its violence and ill-will may have been caused by my diet (as I have recently been experimenting with Chia seeds), although I am not certain that my diet could imbue feces with an even more scatological trait for feces to have, which is a rejection and hostile treatment of its creator.

As of this moment I have placed the organ-in-question on a cushion of ice (fridge-frozen, originally tap water, cushion surface bought at Seven-Eleven for non-anal-related purposes). However, it has come to my attention that human excremental matter contains several different strains of bacteria, and that merely subduing the winking-star's discomfort won't alleviate further ordure-caused torment. If you are well-versed in the art of fecal sentience, and share my concern of anal senescence, I urge you to recommend whatever treatment methods that may be at my disposal.

You may ask me anything.
#2
Unfortunately you're gonna feel the burn until that sucker heals and there's not much you can do about it
Quote by Trowzaa
I wish I was American.

~ A Rolling Potato Gathers No Moss ~
#4
That must have been one horrific dump. Because I regularly let another man put his dick in my ass and pound away for twenty minutes and nothing has ever torn.
#7
Quote by eGraham
Unfortunately you're gonna feel the burn until that sucker heals and there's not much you can do about it

There was never a burn; just shock, confusion, and fear.

Quote by Pastafarian96
see a doctor

like immediately

Can't afford to atm.

Quote by Ablast
Was it cathartic?

In the same way getting stabbed is.

Quote by K'Nuckles
What really?

Yeah. I didn't know poop can do that. I guess I found out the hard way hahaha god it hurts
#8
Have you accepted Jesus Christo as your Lord and savior?
Xbox Live: DeSquared94
PSN: desquared94
#11
jesus, that sounds horrifying, hope you're okay man
Eat your pheasant
Drink your wine
Your days are numbered, bourgeois swine!
#13
guess you know what the saying "you are what you eat" really means now. pucker up
#14
Quote by DukeDeRox
I'd see a doctor cause rubbing poop in a wound sounds kinda poopy

I think as long as I don't sit for long periods of time it'll be fine. Same way that cuts in your mouth are less likely to be infected.


Can anyone here confirm whether marijuana would help increase bloodflow to my anus? <-- A question I asked publicly.
#15
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
I think as long as I don't sit for long periods of time it'll be fine. Same way that cuts in your mouth are less likely to be infected.


Can anyone here confirm whether marijuana would help increase bloodflow to my anus? <-- A question I asked publicly.


i dunno but it might help with pain lol
Eat your pheasant
Drink your wine
Your days are numbered, bourgeois swine!
#16
Quote by monwobobbo
guess you know what the saying "you are what you eat" really means now. pucker up

I actually do not. Would you mind explaining what personal qualities my diet has suffused me with in this instance? I generally do not resemble a Chia seed and so find the notion confusing.

Quote by Bladez22
jesus, that sounds horrifying, hope you're okay man

I will live on.
#18
Speaking of shit; I took a dump today, and it was a weird one. At first, it was your typical poop- firm like an American, solid like my ideals. Then, the second wave came in and it was loose, still had shape but was softer- must've been the oatmeal from that morning. Finally, the last load, and it was something else. It was just wet and flaky, kind of looked like the juice left after you have a roast beef sandwich, but with bits of pepper in it.

Forgot to mention I have flu like symptoms
Xbox Live: DeSquared94
PSN: desquared94
#19
As long as it doesn't prolapse, you're golden
| (• ◡•)| (❍ᴥ❍ʋ
#20
I once went about a month without taking a shit cause my diet was shitty (no pun intended) and it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. It was fine after a couple days though.
Quote by MeTallIcA313
Guys, you heard Mr. Sacamano. No fun until racism is over.
#21
Quote by hurricane0202
I once went about a month without taking a shit cause my diet was shitty (no pun intended) and it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. It was fine after a couple days though.

My friend's, friend's, dad's cousin had to have his shit Removed surgically and shit
Xbox Live: DeSquared94
PSN: desquared94
#22
Quote by Ablast at #33670622
My friend's, friend's, dad's cousin had to have his shit Removed surgically and shit

Sounds like a shitty situation
Quote by MeTallIcA313
Guys, you heard Mr. Sacamano. No fun until racism is over.
#23
how much blood did you draw?
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#24
I once went on a camp and didn't poop for nearly a week.....

It took 10 flushes, and three attempts at plunging to get the toilet functioning again.
Come back if you want to
And remember who you are
‘Cause there's nothing here for you my dear
And everything must pass
#25
Quote by vintage x metal
how much blood did you draw?

Enough to occupy me for 5 minutes, but not much more.
#26
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
Enough to occupy me for 5 minutes, but not much more.

Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#27
Quote by i_lovemetallica
I once went on a camp and didn't poop for nearly a week.....

It took 10 flushes, and three attempts at plunging to get the toilet functioning again.

Sometimes it's best to break your poop into 2 sessions/flushes.
Xbox Live: DeSquared94
PSN: desquared94
#28
I got an infected prostate once from some vigorous toy insertion that may have made a minor cut somewhere and I am pretty sure the owner of said toy didn't really clean it properly

made for 2 weeks of painful and frequent urination and complete loss of sex drive. dr believed me when I just played it off as random case of prostatitis (that's actually thing and pretty common apparently) and gave me some antibiotics that still took a week and a half to take care of things.

lesson learned is always used stuff I know has been properly cleaned and sterilised and stay the hell away from hard materials, it's silicon or flesh for me only now.
O.K.

“There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.”
~ Bill Watterson


O__o
#29
also, alcohol is pretty good for pooping. coffee is the best but I find that makes it all diarrhoea-y rather than just normal poop that your body lets go easier with alcohol.


if you're diarrhoea-y, getting in the shower and douching is tops.


one time I had really bad diarrhoea and a haemorrhoid and in one explosive session the haemorrhoid burst. I just kept the area clean until the area was healed, I recall jumping into the shower constantly throughout the day.
O.K.

“There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.”
~ Bill Watterson


O__o
#31
dude, please go to a doctor

There's so much bacteria going on down there, and you don't want an infection.
___

Quote by The_Blode
she was saying things like... do you want to netflix and chill but just the chill part...too bad she'll never know that I only like the Netflix part...
#32
Quote by WCPhils
dude, please go to a doctor

There's so much bacteria going on down there, and you don't want an infection.


this too
Eat your pheasant
Drink your wine
Your days are numbered, bourgeois swine!
#33
Quote by hurricane0202
I once went about a month without taking a shit cause my diet was shitty (no pun intended) and it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. It was fine after a couple days though.

j...

b...

a...

DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND TIME?
#34
Quote by theguitarist
I got an infected prostate once from some vigorous toy insertion that may have made a minor cut somewhere and I am pretty sure the owner of said toy didn't really clean it properly

made for 2 weeks of painful and frequent urination and complete loss of sex drive. dr believed me when I just played it off as random case of prostatitis (that's actually thing and pretty common apparently) and gave me some antibiotics that still took a week and a half to take care of things.

lesson learned is always used stuff I know has been properly cleaned and sterilised and stay the hell away from hard materials, it's silicon or flesh for me only now.

I really despise getting ill as a result of any sexual activity. It turns you off sex faster than anything. I still get turned off by sexual fluids and it makes any kind of sex uncomfortable at the very least.


Yeah I've taken a couple of showers. From what I've read online, unless I feel any swelling, and so long as I stay off my butt and either stand or lie down, it should totally be fine. Like if you got poop on a cut on your elbow or something, that is 100% going to get infected and needs immediate treatment. But your butt (especially externally) can take care of itself.

So yeah, thanks for the advice erryone, but a doctor's neither possible nor necessary

Quote by Pastafarian96
j...

b...

a...

DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND TIME?

I think he means a couple of days after he pooped, thus concluding his painfully shitless month.
#35
okay man, just stay safe
Eat your pheasant
Drink your wine
Your days are numbered, bourgeois swine!
#37
Quote by LifeEchoes
is this shit for real

Is shit just fantasy?
Quote by Diemon Dave
Don't go ninjerin nobody don't need ninjerin'
#38
Quote by slapsymcdougal
Is shit just fantasy?

Caught in a shitslide
Come back if you want to
And remember who you are
‘Cause there's nothing here for you my dear
And everything must pass
#39
This shit is reality.
Seattle Seahawks


Quote by chookiecookie
i feel like you have an obsession with aubrey plaza.


Quote by WCPhils
at least we can all agree SGstriker is the woooooooooooooooooooooorst
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