#1
Found this article while surfing the web trying to find my sound

25 Ways to Ensure that You Will Suck at Guitar

1. Spend 8 hours a day surfing the web reading gear reviews trying to “find your sound.” Trying to “find your sound” can be exhausting, so rationalize that you don’t need to practice after you’re done surfing.

2. Never tune your guitar. Tuning is for losers.

3. Make sure you never, ever practice with a metronome. Rhythm is also for losers.

4. Instead of spending time studying actual music, learn one scale at 600 beats per minute and only play that for the rest of your life

5. Remember that there’s no such thing as too much gain.

6. Find only fault in the playing of others… especially critically acclaimed, platinum selling artists. You can’t learn anything from those sellouts anyway.

7. Avoid playing with musicians who are better than you are at all costs.

8. If you are forced to play with highly skilled musicians, don’t learn from them. Instead, spend lots of time giving them advice on how to play their parts.

9. Adjust your strap so your guitar hangs down around your ankles, despite the fact that you can’t play at all in this position.

10. Only play and listen to one genre of music. Insist for the rest of your life that everything else sucks.

11. Convince yourself that you don’t sound good because of some piece of gear that you can’t afford, which, if you had it, would instantly transform you into Steve Vai.

12. Practice in front of a mirror, not so you can watch your hands (which would actually help), but so you can work on your sneering, pouting and posing.

13. Only play solos. Losers play rhythm guitar.

14. Practice the exact same way every day. Never change your approach to anything even if you spend hours a day with the guitar and never seem to get any better.

15. Have no patience with yourself whatsoever. If you try to learn a new skill and are not instantly successful, abandon all hope, swear and throw things around the room. Stop practicing immediately and spend a week feeling sorry for yourself.

16. Believe that you are entitled to greatness.

17. Assign responsibility for your progress to your teacher. If you’re not getting any better, it must be someone else’s fault.

18. Only learn Yngwie licks (badly). Everything else is just garbage that’s too easy.

19. Only learn Nirvana songs. Everything else is just garbage that has no substance.

20. If you’re having trouble learning a new lick or riff, clench your jaw and “try harder.” Still no luck? Clench your jaw even tighter and “try even harder.” Still nothing? Well… keep that up and let me know how it goes.

21. Convince yourself that great players became great on talent alone… and if you just don’t have it, you just don’t have it.

22. Consume as much instructional material as you possibly can (video, method book, magazine) but never, ever attempt any of the examples.

23. Don’t bend to pitch. It takes too much effort to learn and it’s really not a big deal anyway.

24. Refine and perfect the most asymmetrical, arhythmic, sickly sounding vibrato possible.

25. Quit.
#2
26. Merch and promote your band before getting tight.... you can do that on stage.
#3
Or you could just not play guitar ever again and trade for a Mac.
Quote by DisarmGoliath
Facesitting is a violation of freedom of speech, because how can you speak when you have an ass covering your face?
#4
27. Get a job at Buzzfeed

longing rusted furnace daybreak seventeen benign nine homecoming one freight car
#5
28. Join UG and post in the pit relentlessly
A poem.
Quote by yoman297
no girl, movember isnt for you. shave your stache pls

I can out-bore you any day
#6
29. Lists.
o()o

Quote by JamSessionFreak
yes every night of my entire life i go to bed crying because i wasnt born american
#7
30. wasting hundreds of dollars on an anachronism that could have gone into saving up for a MacBook Pro

...modes and scales are still useless.


Quote by PhoenixGRM
Hey guys could you spare a minute to Vote for my band. Go to the site Search our band Listana with CTRL+F for quick and vote Thank you .
Quote by sam b
Voted for Patron Çıldırdı.

Thanks
Quote by PhoenixGRM
But our Band is Listana
#8
31. Practise on a bass to build finger strength

32. Use 13 gauge strings cause "that's how SRV got his tone"

33. Use autotune, because autotune
Uncle aciD

&

The deadbeatS


Do What Your Love Tells You
Last edited by SFosterS at Nov 19, 2015,
#9
34. Be the dick that plays "Wonderwall" at parties
Come back if you want to
And remember who you are
‘Cause there's nothing here for you my dear
And everything must pass
#10
Quote by Pastafarian96
28. Join UG and post in the pit relentlessly


I know! I've literally done fuck-all, all week.
The pit is addictive.
#11
37. Skip numbers because you are a rebel and numbers are for nerds.
Quote by SGstriker
If KFC is finger-licking good, then people would probably suck dicks for Popeyes. That's how good it is.


There's nothing left here to be saved
Just barreling dogs and barking trains
Another year lost to the blue line
#12
38. Time signatures don't matter as long as you're br00tal!
Baby Joel's rabbit profile picture is kinda cute. #TeamJOEL
#14
40. Actually be TobusRex.
o()o

Quote by JamSessionFreak
yes every night of my entire life i go to bed crying because i wasnt born american
#15
41. Refuse to play in public because "I only play original songs and someone will steal them".

42. Convince yourself that you'll play much better once you install the new Super Duper pickups.

Got to admit, I am somewhat guilty of #21.
Yes I am guitarded also, nice to meet you.
Last edited by Rickholly74 at Nov 20, 2015,
#16
I think 11 is somewhat true though, a way better neck on a quality that has a better action and intonation will make it easier to play.
Baby Joel's rabbit profile picture is kinda cute. #TeamJOEL
#17
Quote by Pastafarian96
28. Join UG and post in the pit relentlessly


tbf it's worse for you as a guitarist to be posting in MT, EG, or GG&A since they just spend all of their time arguing about modes and wood and tubes and never actually learn to play
There's no such thing; there never was. Where I am going you cannot follow me now.
#18
Quote by theogonia777
tbf it's worse for you as a guitarist to be posting in MT, EG, or GG&A since they just spend all of their time arguing about modes and wood and tubes and never actually learn to play


Don't forget the whole "You need a new amp!"
Baby Joel's rabbit profile picture is kinda cute. #TeamJOEL
#19
43. Post on UG instead of practicing guitar
Quote by jrcsgtpeppers
There shall be a stop to this madness. The battle is not over. My tasty licks aren't going anywhere.

Quote by The_Blode
^ I've just realised if you say Simple Plan's 2011 effort "Get Your Heart On!" really fast in a Southern American accent, it sounds gross. . .like sexual gross!

Quote by Necroheadbanger
Hello.
I'm looking for professional bongo-ists and triangle-ists to make a Progressive Technical Brutal Death Metal band
(will be called AxOxJxLxAxIxVxXxUxWxZxQxUxRxWxGxJxSxAxLxKxMxNxHxUxGxAxAxWxVxCxBxZxVx)
(Don't even ask what it means)


https://soundcloud.com/95dank



#20
Quote by theogonia777
tbf it's worse for you as a guitarist to be posting in MT, EG, or GG&A since they just spend all of their time arguing about modes and wood and tubes and never actually learn to play

lol
A poem.
Quote by yoman297
no girl, movember isnt for you. shave your stache pls

I can out-bore you any day
#21
44. suck me off


Gozd in gora poj,
silen ženimo hrup,
uboga gmajna, le vpup, le vkup,
le vkup, le vkup z menoj,
staro pravdo v mrak tulimo,
da se pretulimo skozi to zimo
#22
tbh i have never found these "how to suck at guitar" posts/articles/vidyas very funny or clever. every point in the list is just a verisimilitude of what bedroom beginner guitarists think without actually being exactly what they think. so i either know exactly what they think by being one or i just remember what it was like.

i will start a new list to my standards, with just hints of lies mixed in with truth.

---

Tips of Advice to Really Suck at Guitar

1. Tuning your guitar is important, but when practicing alone you shouldn't have to move the knobs unless you bumped the guitar head between practice sessions. Generally your teacher will tune your guitar for you each week.

2. Remember, tone is not everything. What makes a guitar sound good is the player themselves. You'll find you are always much more satisfied with less than with more.

3. Many individuals focus on blinding speed and incomprehensible technique, but they lack soul and feel. Learn a few scales like blues, major, and minor, and learn how to express yourself without having to learn how to play fast or using complex techniques.

4. Many individuals focus on soul and feel, but are lazy to learn flashy speed licks or complex techniques. Soul and feel will eventually bore the listener, so focusing on fast licks and techniques keeps the listener's attention.

5. With the gear you do have, knowing how it works is important but changing parts of it can hinder you or the gear. It came stock in working capacity, and you shouldn't have to do much to a good amp for it to sound good. And again, what makes it sound good is a good player.

6. Guitar strings last quite a while and generally do not really need to be changed that often. Most players only change once a year or bi-yearly. To save money, most music shops carry individual strings for when only one string snaps, great for the like-minded consumer.

7. If your electric guitar through an amp is too loud for your venue, just turn it down. Often the guitar's volume control works best. Reaching over to the amp to turn it down maybe more struggle then it is worth, because you loose the power and warmness of the amp at lower volumes.

8. Tube amps are one of the "holy grails" of guitar equipment, but for the average player a solid state amp will be just fine.

9. Regarding amps, going with well-known brands is often the safest bet. Marshalls give you classic rock feel, Orange is great for gain sounds, and VOX amps always give harmonic emphasis.

10. Multi-effects units are one of the best options for guitarists to get a lot of tones in a single package, and they are relatively inexpensive. Just plug your guitar directly into the unit, then the unit to the input of the amp, and you'll have many legendary tones at your fingertips.

11. Music theory is definitely useful for both the bedroom player, the home studio engineer, and the professional song writer. But music is not about rules or regulations, so do not be afraid to experiment outside of theory.
Last edited by Will Lane at Nov 20, 2015,
#24
3) metronome isn't that important. You can develop perfect accuracy without use of a man made object. It's called being consciously aware. The metronome takes away your need to make sure you are on time. It's like training wheels.

4) tbh, there is only one scale, the Ionian scale, and if you could play that scale in any key at 600bpm 16th note triplet you are obviously doing something write(; don't tell people what to play.

55) don't tune your guitar in 4ths because why want to only need to learn 1 shape per pattern/concept when you can learn 3 so you have to change it depending on what string your root note is on.

89) soul and feel and the most important things to any musician. If you are a zombie and have no soul or feeling you are gonna suck. Soul and feel are defined by any series of notes that didn't require practice and used at least 5 bends and 20 seconds of vibrato.
Last edited by jrcsgtpeppers at Nov 20, 2015,
#26
44. Don't buy a tuner for your guitar
Dean Dave Mustaine VMNTX electric (Black)
Epiphone Les Paul Custom Pro electric (Ebony w/ gold)
Orange Micro Terror 20W Hybrid amp head
Orange Crush Pro 120W amp head
Kustom 4x12 cabinet
Voodoo Lab Pedal Power 2 Plus Power Supply
Korg Pitchblack Chromatic Pedal Tuner
Electro-Harmonix XO Metal Muff
MXR M-103 Blue Box
TC Electronic Dark Matter
TC Electronic Fangs Metal
#27
#92
Make a bunch of lame YouTube gear reviews before you actually learn how to play.
#28
#93 Don't try figure out how to play a song by yourself. Ask someone to create a chord chart or a tab. Why waste time if someone already did one?

#94 Once you have your amp and guitar sounding just like you want it in your house (bedroom, garage, basement whatever), glue the knobs in place so it will always sound the same no matter where you are playing. After all we all know room acoustics are just a myth so there will never be a need to change them.

#95 Make a pedal board that takes up half of the stage that is so big everyone who sees it will be impressed by the amount of pedals you own (whether you use them or not). As a matter of fact, put pedals on it that you never intend to use. That will make it look even cooler.
Yes I am guitarded also, nice to meet you.
Last edited by Rickholly74 at Jan 20, 2016,