#1
If I could touch the sky
I'd bring you stars
Take my breathe like cyanide
And hold into

If I could make hearts align
I'd turn mine with you
Watching these walls collide
And passing through

And I don't want to lose a moment without you

And I've lost my world to you
Tonight
And I've lost my thoughts to you
As I fall away
Show me that I can belong
And I'm not here all alone
No one else can bring me back to life
They're wrong but they tell me I'm right
They tell me I'm right
They tell me I'm right

And if I could pause time
I'd live in this scene
Ashes reignite
Here with you

If I could notice signs
I'd know what to do
Lost in this world of mine
And lost in you

And I don't want to lose a moment without you

And I've lost my world to you
Tonight
And I've lost my thoughts to you
As I fall away
Show me that I can belong
And I'm not here all alone
No one else can bring me back to life
They're wrong but they tell me I'm right
They tell me I'm right
They tell me I'm right

If I could touch the sky
I'd bring you stars
Take my breathe like cyanide
And hold into
Last edited by LarenReid at Dec 6, 2015,
#2
Hi, please just consider these as suggestions

If I could touch the sky
I'd bring you stars
Take my breathe like cyanide I assume you mean 'breath'?
And hold into this line seems unfinished, do you want them to hold their breath, or?

If I could make hearts align
I'd turn mine with you
Watching these walls collide
And passing through interesting image, but almost too vague--who/what is passing through?

And I don't want to lose a moment without you

And I've lost my world to you
Tonight
And I've lost my thoughts to you
As I fall away
Show me that I can belong
And I'm not here all alone
No one else can bring me back to life
They're wrong but they tell me I'm right somewhat meaningless because the audience has no idea who 'they' are. If you're writing for just you, then cool. Just something to consider
They tell me I'm right
They tell me I'm right

And if I could pause time
I'd live in this scene
Ashes reignite cliche and a significant shift in diction for just one line
Here with you

If I could notice signs
I'd know what to do
Lost in this world of mine
And lost in you I think if you were more specific/personal here, it would be more interesting

And I don't want to lose a moment without you

And I've lost my world to you
Tonight
And I've lost my thoughts to you
As I fall away
Show me that I can belong
And I'm not here all alone
No one else can bring me back to life I assume the death here is from heart ache, not an actual illness? In which case, I... I don't know. Self-expression is important, but so is some independence and self-validation
They're wrong but they tell me I'm right
They tell me I'm right
They tell me I'm right

If I could touch the sky
I'd bring you stars
Take my breathe like cyanide
And hold into

I don't really understand how death (or killing your partner) fits into this. I encourage you to make this connection more obvious (I'm left guessing that the basic idea is 'I can't live without you now that things ended, so...you can die too"?). I can't tell if I'm missing the boat or not. Anyway, I think you've got good structure here and I appreciate you sharing it with us Take care
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour