#1
I hate the morning.
Waking up with a mouth that's dry
and somehow still thirsty from the night before.
Alone.
In a bed for two,
I've got half a mind to burn
this mattress and play repo man for my heart.
It used to be skin on skin,
we could sweat it out together.
Now a Spanish porno and a delivery man
are the only company I seem to keep.
It's hard to sleep this off,
in the place we used to lay.
Make the room spin enough,
and maybe it will go away.

I used to want to see the world,
but right now I don't want to move.
I don't want to move.

Couldn't move like you anyway,
as you arched your back and called my name.
maybe that's just my memory
playing tricks again.
Maybe
it was never my name you were calling,
maybe
you never cared for me at all.

I don't want to die here,
but I'd sure like to disappear.
#2
I hate the morning.
Waking up with a mouth that's dry
and somehow still thirsty from the night before. remove 'and'
Alone.
In a bed for two,
I've got half a mind to burn
this mattress and play repo man for my heart. remove 'and play repo man for my heart'? I think the line is cool and sounds great ending there. Plus the repo man bit is clunky
It used to be skin on skin,
we could sweat it out together.
Now a Spanish porno and a delivery man consider "now spanish porn and..." something, delivery man is odd here I think
are the only company I seem to keep.
It's hard to sleep this off,
in the place we used to lay.
Make the room spin enough,
and maybe it will go away. I like this line but think it could be smoother? Try reading it out loud and see what you think (goes for the whole thing)

I used to want to see the world,
but right now I don't want to move.
I don't want to move.

Couldn't move like you anyway,
as you arched your back and called my name. good
maybe that's just my memory
playing tricks again. less so
Maybe
it was never my name you were calling,
maybe
you never cared for me at all. wheels come off by this point. I have no suggestions, but I think the first 70% is much better than this bit

I don't want to die here,
but I'd sure like to disappear.

**
I like it! People write songs about heart ache often, but I find what lacks is personal details/experience. These lyrics capture some of that personal idea, which I like. Perhaps this is what's lacking near the end? I guess you're speaking from your perspective about you for most of it, then it shifts to you talking/guessing about someone else, which is less interesting I think. Anyway, take care of yourself amigo
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#3
I like the repo/delivery bits myself. They do a lot in terms of setting and add personality to the piece. It's simple, but it fits the theme and works well imho. I agree that the writing gets a little lazier from the midway point and onward but it fits the substance of the piece.

It's really good to read you again. I drop by pretty regularly and you're one of the few writers who's pieces I enjoyed that still contributes regularly. Thank you for helping to keep this place alive. Don't stop writing, it's really hard to get back in the habit. Hope you're well, don't stop putting up a fight. Take good care man.
Last edited by circular.parade at Dec 12, 2015,
#4
i like this a lot.
"close-up", raw.
in bed (most personal of spaces),
in solitude (mainstay of poesy),
awakening to love lost,
the crumbling effect
when purging last night's dream (the old haunt of ex-lovers),
steeping in reality awhile,
feeling at the wound

anyway just wanted to say how i appreciate this piece of yours
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Dec 13, 2015,
#5
A bit messy, but I can feel it at least. When you started to get playful/bitter with the rhyme is when I thought this was great.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
It's so easy to "2nd guess" ... LoL. Most of the time, if you play your song over and over and over again every day ..... you pick these things up yourself without the need for a second set of eyes. I'm hyper critical about every word I use... every line, that's my perspective. I tend to rewrite at least 10% of every song I hear .... I don't care how many hits they got on FB. Anyway, I don't know what "repo man" is, but hopefully it's not a song (b'cause it's not good to write songs about songs ... rarely can a reference to another song work). If repo man is a metaphor (we all love them, don't we?) depicting an intent of feeling ... then leave it, but make sure the melody makes it sound good.

You have some good things there, you may want to fine tune it ... but then again, you can end up second guessing and re-stating to the point where you lose your original "gist". Here's what I would do "off the bat" (if we keep using cliche's as we speak, we'll remember them enough so that they don't accidentally wind up in our lyrics):

""Couldn't move like you anyway,
as you arched your back and called my name. ""

I get it. But it might be a bit too obvious (though I suppose that might be perfect for pop listener mentality). I might say

"But to move with you, in love..
Arching back with legs and hips..
breathless sighs, memories of
the sound of my name, on your lips"

Go ahead ... you can use it .. I don't have a copyright on that yet ..... ;-))

..... yes of course I'm kidding.

Honestly, I will always remember Don Henley's comment on the time he was just learning, and living with Jackson Brown. He said JB would sit in front of his piano, play the same verse over and over and over and over again .... till he got it right. Then go onto the next. When the song was fabricated rough ... he'd play it over and over again .... then again .... and again ... many times, tweaking and enhancing. Writing songs is like any other skill, the more you do it the better you will become. As you play your song over and over again, fresh new ways to express your feelings in a verbal construct. JB used to drink a lot of tea when he wrote songs. Maybe that can help you. I drink tea. I like tea. :-)
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