#1
Falling in love
with the voice
of the girl on the bus
naming the stops

between the chitter and chatter
of kids that don't matter
to anyone

they're still for a while
as she walks down the aisle
up to me


Oh I've seen her before
in the eyes
of the lost-and-found love
that I'm running from

or just her reflection
with fatal attraction
on me

still my conscience makes presence
of plans in the heavens
for us


I'm the lone
love
the loneliest boy on the bus

I'm alone
love
the loveliest voice in my head


The young little hearts
lost
in the buzz and the swarm
of this modern life

Do they know we stood up for them
went out of our way for
those sods

See the fear
and confusion
in this disillusioned
old man


I'm the lone
love
the loneliest boy on the bus

I'm alone
love
the loveliest voice in my head


Head on my shoulder and
closing your eyelids
when everything goes
everything goes
beyond expectation and
just then I stumble
and fall

Lifting myself up when
I see you breaking
and everything goes
everything goes
flying out through the window
just as you shatter
and fall


I'm the lone
love
the loneliest boy on the bus

I'm alone
love
the loveliest voice in my head
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#3
Thanks for the compliment

Do you feel anything specific about the other parts or do they just please you less?
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#4
i think this shows a lot of imagination on your part. a lot of novel phrases/turns of phrase that keep it interesting, but on the whole it came across to me as disjointed. what it lacks is something like lilt, or rhythm; a driving fluidity behind it to really hold the reader's attention.

i take it english is not your first language, seeing as how you're in the netherlands. do you write in dutch first, then translate it to english? or what's your process like?
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Dec 13, 2015,
#5
Thank you! They are originally meant as lyrics to a song rather than for reading, so this might be why it seems to lack rythm in written form. Perhaps I could have it make more sense by pointing out which parts are verses, chorus, bridge, etc.?

English is not my native language indeed, though as I speak and write it on a daily basis I would say I am reasonably fluent. That said, I'm sure I make mistakes now and then, so please do point them out if there are any. I always write in English straight away simply because I prefer it over Dutch.
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#6
Really good imagery. Also like that it makes me wonder what is the image and the actual.
Thumbs up.
#7
Great lyrics, interesting structure leaves a lot of rhythmic flexibility. I like the themetoo, was it inspired by Forrest Gump by any chance haha