#1
Hi S&L,
I wrote this during a really boring substitute teacher lecture during my AP Lit class. I touched it up a bit and I was hoping for some critique before I turn this into a song. Any and all help would be nice, and any help on the second line of the chorus would help. I wanted to write about a girl I specifically knew, but want to keep it vague so everyone can take a different meaning from it. Thank you!

V1:
Excuse me but do you have the time?
I see it race by in the white parts of your eye
Outside the scenery shrinks to the distance
Pixeled technicolor, no longer black and white

Chorus:
Wayward girl, who dabbles as a heartstring marionettist
(Second line of chorus I have no idea what to put)

V2:
Through the amour week its always Friday when I'm in Love
A better version of me telling me things I don't already know
Through whispers that are carried long into the dusk
Inked myself into pages that are left to rest in places untouched

CHORUS

B:
You hide behind your masquerade
Because the show is about to begin
But couldn't seperate the world from the stage
That you leave behind in your crusade

V3:
All the empty promises that never meant much
They pale to the excitement of the new memory
And is whisked away in a suitcase without a sound
She's gone with her whims but is naively idealized

CHORUS
#2
It's a shame this was overlooked. "Wayward girl, who dabbles as a heartstring marionettist" is a great, great line. I'm a little jealous, wish I'd written it.

I think you should ditch the rigid structure and make this a bit more freeform, then we wouldn't stumble on the longer syllables. Keep at it!
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#3
V1:
Excuse me but do you have the time?
I see it race by in the white parts of your eye
this is a great start, especially to a song
Outside the scenery shrinks to the distance
Pixeled technicolor, no longer black and white
stumbles here. i know you really want this last line, but this kind of verbal gymnastics is hard to pull off, especially to close a verse.

Chorus:
Wayward girl, who dabbles as a heartstring marionettist
like JustRooster, I love this line but it sets up such a storm of syllables you'll be hard pressed to find any way to complement this line. I personally would keep it to just "wayward girl, heartstring marionettist" to not take away too much but keep a sense of metre

V2:
Through the amour week its always Friday when I'm in Love
A better version of me telling me things I don't already know
Through whispers that are carried long into the dusk
Inked myself into pages that are left to rest in places untouched
the lines are good, but the metre is all over the place. if you want this to be a song, you'll want some uniformity here. probably rephrase this.

CHORUS

B:
You hide behind your masquerade
Because the show is about to begin
But couldn't seperate the world from the stage
That you leave behind in your crusade
solid bridge, wouldn't change anything here
V3:
All the empty promises that never meant much
They pale to the excitement of the new memory
And is whisked away in a suitcase without a sound
good!
She's gone with her whims but is naively idealized bad!

CHORUS

Would love to see the final draft. Keep writing!

My work:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1696438
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1695429