#1
So here's something I wrote while trying to form words in a way that's deeply personal to me, and experiences of mine, without being overly descriptive. I'm trying to make inroads into writing words for my music, but this one was written independent from having any music/tempo/metre in mind.

Don't know whether to call it poetry, or whether it could eventually be spoken word with rudimental background music (something like Small Talk on 125th and Lenox), but it's something that I'm satisfied enough with to share. Interested to hear what readers/listeners would feel/understand from this. Looking forward to comments! Thanks a lot, in advance.


in the morning,
when i can breathe, and think,
for a pleasant change of pace,
you may suck my thumb

i'll watch our backs,
we'll act to ataraxia,
but please tread lightly,
in case you slip and recall

and if you ever get around to it,
do take a look at my genes,
tell me why,
in monochrome comedy,
the alleles spell the english words:


"WE APPRECIATE YOUR EARNEST EFFORTS"
Last edited by akack at Jan 26, 2016,
#3
Thanks a lot, man. Really appreciate it. Could you maybe lend me a little insight regarding what about it you liked/what you took away from it?

Also, will get around to critiquing your work and a few others by the end of the day. Little swamped at work.
#4
This was pretty great.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
I like all of it except the font at the end: the bold and caps are fine but I would keep the style consistent with the other stanzas

good stuff keep posting
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja