#1
Hey so basically things have come to a head with me a bit recently; and what I'm posting isn't a sob story as I really want to know if there are others like me/do the same things and see if there's a way to improve on myself.

Basically, I spend a lot of time alone, have had very few friends over the years, but I am really close with my family & brothers. Every new place I go to (new school, new job etc.) I always find myself, within 2 months or so, being completely alone. I'm not whining btw because I'm usually happy in myself Recently theres been one or two people that have given me the opportunity to be their friend, but I purposely 'blank' them, or am standoffish as a way to reject them. I've done this for years - I almost compulsively do it despite wanting lots of friends and to be happy. So today I did the same thing and am at my wits end with it. I've since spent a bit of time googling personality traits to see if there's something I match but nothing really came up apart from 'avoidant behaviour.
The thing is I'm not a shy person, in fact I often pretend to be confident and that I don't care about anyone. I'm not an angry person, but I was excessively bullied between ages 11-15 (like properly beat up/humiliated/rejected etc) and apparently this is linked to it? I don't know.

So does this sound like anyone? Does anyone relate to this, or have any suggestions on how to get past this constant thing of pushing people away?

Thanks.

P.s I'm from England, and the idea of speaking about yourself/feelings is completely not done. (That's why I'm posting here )
Last edited by RajjaJroach at Jan 25, 2016,
#3
If you want to not be alone, then why do you push people away? Sounds more like you want to be alone, but cause it is not socially acceptable you are trying to change. Don't do that.
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#4
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noooooooooooooooooooooo
Quote by RajjaJroach
but I was excessively bullied between ages 11-15 (like properly beat up/humiliated/rejected etc) and apparently this is linked to it? I don't know.

obviously it has something to do with that.

i struggle with similar problems. you don't need to modify your avoidance too much as long as you keep pretending to be vaguely confident and such. just dont be standoffish about it. blank someone, feel the pain you get from being rude to them, then continue with your life.
Last edited by korinaflyingv at Jan 25, 2016,
#7
so you thought you'd avoid armchair psychology

by asking the pit
they're coming to take me away
ha-haaa
#8
Quote by Banjocal
so you thought you'd avoid armchair psychology

by asking the pit

Well really just to see if anyone else does the same things I do; any personal accounts that might be helpful - if not, all the trolling/jokes are also pretty funny to read..
#9
Quote by RajjaJroach
^ Haha that's what I'm trying to avoid; ^ like nothing I googled really made sense.


This is a topic for the relationship thread.

As with all the personality types, a cognitive approach is key. I'm busy at the moment, but send me a pm and I'll elaborate for you.
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#10
Quote by megano28
This is a topic for the relationship thread.

As with all the personality types, a cognitive approach is key. I'm busy at the moment, but send me a pm and I'll elaborate for you.

Okay, thanks Megano, will do
#11
i got a bit of that. i moved around a lot so i learnt as a kid to not get attached to friends cause you're gonna leave them in a year. so i have lots of 'friends', but not many of them are close friends. and like you, my family are probably my best friends.

socialising is a skill, and as a skills, it has to be practiced. if you've spent years not making friends, making friends now is going to be hard :p but if it's something you want to do, then just find little ways to make it easier. like when a semester of school starts for me, it's a pretty big thing if i can say hi to the person next to me. but then each day it's easier to talk to them, and it's easier to talk to other people.

so yeah
it's all just coming back
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#12
I spend a lot of time alone too.

I think you're an introvert, and that you're also afraid of getting your feelings hurt, that's why you push people away/try to be alone.

I enjoy my alone time. I like to reflect on my life, exercise, play guitar, etc
I enjoy the company of a few friends at a time, never been a huge party guy (though i like going to concerts with friends)

You shouldn't push people away or avoid them. Never burn bridges/relationships, because one day you might need those people you didn't bring closely into your life at the beginning. I have pretty thick skin, and i don't really care if people disagree with me or tell me off for my ideas/views (even though im pretty quiet about that kinda stuff to begin with)

just enjoy life and be a sick kunt while you're at it no point in letting people bring you down in life, when life is so short and precious as it is.
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Last edited by k.lainad at Jan 25, 2016,
#14
You push them away because you're afraid because you're traumatized from your childhood bullying. You need to acclimate yourself to the idea that it's okay to be close to people. I can teach you but I'll have to charge.
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#15
What you're describing falls under the category of avoidant personality disorder- keep in mind I'm not trying to diagnose you, but this avoidant behavior you speak of is commonly seen in this disorder.

That said, the most important thing to consider is whether this causes you considerable personal distress.
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#16
I have some of this. Nothing wrong with liking to spend time alone. A lot of my situation is just a busy schedule. I get off work and want to kick back. Most people I know are doing the same thing. As I've got older I know what I like to do with my time and don't really like the feeling of the "obligation" of time that having a bunch of friends can take. It is this and also the fact that for some reason I always seem to have falling outs with people ( interest change, they find new friends that are into things I'm not, drinking and drugging issues.....). Keeping true friends isn't an easy thing. Especially as you get older. This has kinda got me to the point of not really caring much about it anymore.
Last edited by mattedbird at Jan 25, 2016,
#17
Yep. Alone time is refreshing and interesting, generally being with people drains my energy. It's an introvert thing (and being an introvert doesn't mean you're shy) - there is nothing wrong with that at all, just that most people are extroverts though and I reckon they just don't get that being alone can be preferable to being social. That being said, it can be nice, healthy and can 'broaden you horizons' by having friends; I really value my small group of close friends. (One thing I enjoy about them is that for most, we only see each other every 6 months, but we still get on great. We don't have to be socialising every other moment to be friends.)
#18
just my opinion but doing no socializing at all through your day probably isn't healthy. as long as you're doing some at work or something that's good. it's never too late to start breaking out of the shell. people of all sorts are meeting somewhere for something. just start going and see what comes of it.
#19
I thought I had this, but then I looked up 'avoidant personality disorder' and it said that those with the disorder describe themselves as "lonely unwanted and isolated."

I push people away because I don't like many people's company. Yet I'm only ever lonely maybe once a year. You're just an introvert. Well... Unless you actually want friends but keep denying them friendship.
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#20
to me it's like mind meld said. people can drain your energy. it's not nessesarily being shy or anything. i don't have the energy or the best of skills to read others most of the time. I also find it interesting how people can treat you different when other people are around and then different when you're alone with them. don't care for that
Last edited by mattedbird at Jan 25, 2016,
#21
aspie af itt
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#22
hey this is 100% me haha

in my case for the most part its because I am shy but I like being around people, hence being avoidant while still wanting to socialize. it is also linked to my eating disorder (in recovery, but it manifests itself in other ways such as this)

i'm working on being mentally healthy and stuff, but in the meantime the only thing I've found that actually works to put myself out there is to do things related to my hobbies and meet people through that. Also just doing lots of things that make me feel good about myself help me feel more confident when I am around strangers. I had loads of friends when I was forced to meet people through living in the same building but now that I'm not forced to do that I seem to just take the easy way out and be alone even though I hate it
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#23
Yeah I get this. Whenever I meet new people (which is rare) I tend to ignore them and avoid having to interact. Not sure why, it's really my own problem to deal with and I don't think it's 100% just being an introvert. But eventually people think I'd rather be left alone, or they find new friends and leave. It's at this point when I realise damn I'd really like some new people to talk to and I get super lonely but then it's too hard just going up to those people after the social dynamic has been established.

This isn't to say I don't have friends, I do, but I have a hard time making new ones. I'm confident around people I'm comfortable to be around, but around new people I'm 100% the shy weird dude who'll stumble over a sentence if he's ever forced to interact.

Best advice is probably volume. meet more people. Like if u only make friends with 5% of the people you meet and you're only meeting like 1 new person a week, you're not gonna have that many friends. and yeah some people you just click with, most take a tonne of work.
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#24
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What you're describing falls under the category of avoidant personality disorder- keep in mind I'm not trying to diagnose you, but this avoidant behavior you speak of is commonly seen in this disorder.

That said, the most important thing to consider is whether this causes you considerable personal distress.


No, he's not. Having a symptom or two that relates is not indicative of an illness. The very fact that he's personally posted his problems in a place where he's this susceptible to criticism. That's a huge contradiction.

The problem with listing random disorders, is that convincing someone they have something which is effectively incurable is not responsible as someone without a license.
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#25
I spend a lot of time alone. I'm awful at socializing. I have many acquaintances but none of which I would call friends. On the personality disorder test online, I almost got a perfect score on the Avoidant category. I try and convince myself over and over that it is better this way. Being constantly alone isn't so bad. It's just the way some people are.

I don't like like being alone but I don't feel much better with people either. The feeling is one of being constantly out of place. I'm convinced I was born this way. It's been one of the few constants in my life.
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#26
I spend most of my free time by myself, I'm used to it since I'm an Introvert. Aside from my best friend who I've been friends with most of my life and his girlfriend, I've pretty much given up on my circle of friends. Their heads are too far up their girlfriends asses to ever hang out.

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This isn't to say I don't have friends, I do, but I have a hard time making new ones. I'm confident around people I'm comfortable to be around, but around new people I'm 100% the shy weird dude who'll stumble over a sentence if he's ever forced to interact.

This is me 100%
#27
TFW OP describes you almost exactly. :')

I find that the best way for me to deal with it is to do my best to open to other people. Even if you're not interested at first, pretend that you are for a moment and you might find that eventually, you'll be compatible with the other person. I guess it's 'cause I always assumed there'd be nothing for me in having interactions with people that was anything but brief, but you might find your first impressions are wrong once you find out you share similar interests or connect somehow.
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#28
Quote by megano28
No, he's not. Having a symptom or two that relates is not indicative of an illness. The very fact that he's personally posted his problems in a place where he's this susceptible to criticism. That's a huge contradiction.

The problem with listing random disorders, is that convincing someone they have something which is effectively incurable is not responsible as someone without a license.

ok i literally said i wasn't trying to diagnose him so
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#29
Thanks for all the replies everyone, it's been really interesting/helpful to read through other peoples experiences and thoughts. Sorry if it seems like a sob story - it's not. It's coming from more of a place of wanting to improve myself
#30
I like making friends but I spend most of my time alone. I miss having a woman around sometimes.
#32
Used to be like that, then I met the most awesome people in the universe

Now I'm only like this irl

4Head
ggg1 ggg3

.
#34
Quote by frozenbubble
ok i literally said i wasn't trying to diagnose him so


Hey I'm not a therapist, but I think you have a disorder.

Your little disclaimer isn't a permission slip to cover your own ass
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Anyway I have technically statutory raped #nice

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once a girl and i promised to never leave each other

since that promise was broken

i dont make promises any more
#35
I spend most of my free time by myself. There's very very few people I genuinely enjoy being around and most activities people have fun with are boring to me (drinking, smoking, partying, etc). Tbh I'm pretty boring to be around, but w/e, the solitude is nice. It's a lot less to do with anxiety and more with having fun while being around other people.
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#36
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Tbh forcing myself to be really social sometimes is probably one of the better choices Ive made in life.

Yeah whenever I'm socializing I don't regret it and I definitely feel more energized afterwards. It's just that putting myself out there requires a little more effort.
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