#1
j asked me if I felt doomed
and of course, I do
I just don't know
what to do
with
it


.


I am driving past an 18-wheeler
pressing more and more on the pedal
I am holding my breath
I feel sweat between my hands
and the driver's wheel
we pass over a bridge and
the guard rails seem
ribbon thin

I am not scared

but I feel something

this feels familiar

I feel the force of the truck pull my car in close...


.


I take e with me out to the boulders
the current is strong and the water is high
it rained not long ago

we trip often
I resort to partially swimming
partially crawling
like some river demon


there is a space between two boulders
that's like a slide when the water is gentle
I dare myself to try it

I watch for a silent few minutes at the water rush over the rocks
the water is loud
and relentless

I inch over and
let myself
go


I am under pounds of water and
this feels so
familiar and
I wonder
why
as
I
ask
if
I
will
breathe
again


I gasp for air and cough and
swim as fast as I can to
the shallows

e asks if I'm ok and
I lie and say yes


.


I saw a man in my house
he looked like a shadow
he was tall
he is either running or still
I hold my breath as I think of him
and pray
to a god I
wish I believed in

last I saw him, I thought
he was standing still
in my room
watching.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal at Feb 11, 2016,
#2
From the very beginning until...

e asks if I'm ok and
I lie and say yes


...this really had me. I had a girlfriend who was extremely scared of dying, to the point of paranoia, and often she would describe having thoughts like these. I've felt creeping anxiety so many times when overtaking huge vehicles, and getting in strange water - having seen my own share of accidents, and having known people who've died in both highway collisions and by drowning - that I feel your choice of incidents isn't just incidental, and really is something a lot of people can relate to lucidly. Extremely well written.

The last stanza kinda lost me a little though. It thoroughly peaked the ascending creepiness, but it seemed a little bit of a different sort of paranoia (or sense of doom) than the rest of the piece describes. It's still creeping me out a little thinking about it (excellent creepypasta, which is a skill in itself) but I don't personally feel it gels with the rest of it very well. Looking forward to reading more from you! This was great, I'll check out your previous work when I have the time.


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1695429
#3
I would consider revising the bit about sliding between the rocks to convey the hesitance. The steering wheel bit does such a great job of setting the scene of someone who's just always on the edge of control. Being able to let go so willingly sort of relieves the tension that I want to carry throughout the whole piece.

Otherwise, good shit. Keep it up, keep posting.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#4
And then there's me sitting here, going...what the hell is going on here? xD I got lost and confused so easily and so fast with this

-Sharky
#6
thanks for the crits, I'll get back to you on your pieces


Quote by brokencoastline

don't be sad. you were perfect company
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#7
After reading more into it, it does make better sense. It just has a very weird context and pattern going with it to me still. hope your future endeavors still go well
#8
I watch for a silent few minutes at the water rush over the rocks

Sorta feel like this is too much information in one line for this piece, when it's alone like this it reads well though. I can see that it gives a change in pace, I'm just not sure it's at the right moment. What about trailing out of it more slowly in that stanza?

The near death feeling when driving, not so much a feeling of lack of control, but how easy it is to deliberately let go, and the draw to stop thinking. I really felt that.

I love how this moves, and as always your space is breathless. This was great to read.
#9
I honestly thought the end eclipsed the rest of the piece.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
thanks again for crits, I appreciate your time

Quote by culex-knight
I honestly thought the end eclipsed the rest of the piece.

eclipsed in a negative or positive sense? I'm having trouble understanding
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#11
I love the "18 wheeler" section; you redeemed a very common emotion from the abstract and placed it back into reality for me.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#12
This is so sad yet really, really amazing. I've felt like this before in certain situations, especially around 2-3 years ago.
#13
Looking at the other comments and I might be alone in thinking the last part fit perfectly. I liked the driving bit too, it kind of pushed a fog over me and made me think of how the car might seem to drift, but the last section was my favorite.

"he was either running or still"

In particular.

The rest all had that sense of dizzy temptation, and the last section brought the fear to the front. Not paranoia. He comes for everyone, after all.

But hey, maybe I'm full of crap and misinterpreted
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Feb 24, 2016,
#14
thank you again for the crits. you lot have been so supportive throughout the years and I am very lucky. shoot any links if you've got 'em. also I've been setting up readings (hopefully with some UG folks soon too ) here in VA so if you are interested in doing one, let me know

Quote by punkforlife93
Looking at the other comments and I might be alone in thinking the last part fit perfectly. I liked the driving bit too, it kind of pushed a fog over me and made me think of how the car might seem to drift, but the last section was my favorite.

"he was either running or still"

In particular.

The rest all had that sense of dizzy temptation, and the last section brought the fear to the front. Not paranoia. He comes for everyone, after all.

But hey, maybe I'm full of crap and misinterpreted


I think you get it, especially since you picked the line that you did. there are some brief allusions to him earlier on (feeling like a river demon, etc.) but the last stanza, for me, is the climax: the fear/doom finally exposed in front of me, no longer brief and fleeting for the moment. really all the moments are meant to feel as inexplicable as that one. but yeah I guess it is tough to describe the inexplicable
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#15
You did a good job conveying that. Also

Quote by vintage x metal
I've been setting up readings (hopefully with some UG folks soon too ) here in VA


I actually just moved to Burke, is VA an artsy former-UG poets hubbub, or...?
#16
Quote by punkforlife93
You did a good job conveying that. Also


I actually just moved to Burke, is VA an artsy former-UG poets hubbub, or...?

well we're a bit scattered but I've got a house down in the mountains in blacksburg (bout 4 hours south of you) and there is a big arts community here

you should PM me your email
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja