#1
as chalken/regurgitated
gravel gulls, chirping
or hollowed. in cloven
berms, pubic air
collects/the marshy

lowplaces/particulates draining out to
sea. horseshoes hanging from
the belly of a road bridge and
bladderwrack, slipping
out to sea.
Last edited by doubtfulsalmon at Feb 28, 2016,
#2
there's a general sense of disgust and (moreso) apathy with the particular scene that you're sketching out. it feels almost as if you didn't want to write this, but had nothing else to write about at the time. a freewrite about blah whatever. the title is also very plain- nothing special, it's just a slipway. it's also fairly short, maybe there wasn't much to say about it?

there's a good flow to this, i like the use of /'s for the breaks, it works nicely. i like the repeated consonant sounds you use as well (regurgitated gravel gulls, horseshoes hanging, belly... bridge... bladderwrack, slipping... sea)

i also like how particular your word choice is with this. for something seemingly apathetic, your language isn't all that vague, if anything, its very exact and efficient.

(on another note, if you'd give someone the same scene, maybe they'd have different things to say- it leaves me thinking if the descriptions are indicators of the scene itself, or if the word choices are more related to opinion, mood, or some other bias. also, why are you at this place anyway?)

i'm kind of torn a little between the repetition of the "out to sea" phrases in the second stanza. it seems somewhat redundant if i look at it too closely, but when i read it aloud the repetition just solidifies the sense of apathy. overall i think it works and it closes everything nicely.

i laughed at the phrase "pubic air" being used to describe a scent. it's a bit immature i guess, but i find it funny that there's always a way to select words to match the tone of a poem- in this case paraphrasing "the air smells like balls".
Last edited by Dregen at Feb 29, 2016,
#3
In a way I didn't even notice the repetition of "out to sea" in the second stanza. The enjambment of the first occurrence of it, and the overall smooth rhythm in that stanza make it unobtrusive. I thought "pubic air" was clever without being too much.

I think the rhythm of the second stanza would be improved if you omitted "road" in the middle line.

I don't know what to make of "particulates draining out to sea." I assume you mean particulates as in airborne pollutants, but "draining" implies liquid. As it is, this is conflicting, but you could maybe create an interesting material image if you played around with it.

I get a little tripped up at the beginning:
as chalken/regurgitated
gravel gulls, chirping


The way you combine "gravel" and "gulls" makes me unsure of how to conceptualize the adjectives of "chalken/regurgitated," in which I'm reading the "/" as indicating something like "and/or." You could do something like this:
as chalken/regurgitated
gravel, gulls chirping
which makes the adjectives more clearly modify gravel. I'm not really sure if that's what you mean, but generally I think you could just move some punctuation around here and it might work a little better.

Really love the bladderwrack image. I heard a gull calling outside as I typed this.
#4
I assume doubtful wants to play with the words "particulate draining" and "gravel gulls". I like it in a weird way, but it would also look good the way brokencoastline explained it. "gravel, gulls chirping" I'd change that if I where you. But keep it as you wish. Nice one man, a little disgust from you is always nice to read. Would you care to look at mine if you had the chance?
#5
Thanks all for reading and for your comments, always cool to hear from you.

Dregen, interesting that you picked up on the sort of apathetic nature of this, probably something to do with how drained I've been lately, fed up of studying and living in a city.

brokencoastline, I sorta struggled with the start too, the current construction is very much in its rawest form, and as much I did it do that very specific thing, I see that it is very hard to read - I'll see what I can do about that punctuation.

I was pushing for a textural comparison/blurring with "particulates", maybe that is something I need to build on.

Eccer, I'll definitely be taking a look at that line, and yeah man I'll get round to your piece in the next few days.