#1
I can't stop
Because I feel a trace of this forgotten ennui
A sense of this hidden tomb
Twitch and shake
Pinched the neck
Metal braces upon my back
Barricade the spine
Force me to contract and expand
Hunch over , stand tall
Hunch over , stand tall
Lean over face us all
Palms upon the ground
Sun on my back
The metal burns.
#2
I don't dig the pairing of "forgotten" and "ennui." Antonyms being slammed together can sometimes bring perspective, but in this case the idea of listlessness doesn't give me the uneasy-grave sort of sense that the next line about a tomb could display.

It's not bad at all, I'd just look around for some different word choice, perhaps? Keep writing!
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#3
Having read the few pieces of yours on the top page here, your writing seems a little chewy. I think more attention could be paid to how the piece looks, sounds and feels. Capitalising each line, for example, just draws away from the reading of the piece, and the lack of consistency in punctuation frustrates. Use loads, use none, it doesn't matter, but consistency is pretty key. Stuff like that is also crucial to your overall thematic concerns, too, which people forget too easily. Control over the readers tongue is important in establishing your own ideas. There's also a sense you could do with loosening up yourself a little, there's a feeling of rigidity here. It's kind of like shotgun poetry, like you've got the weight of the whole historical poetry canon forcing you to write a certain way. Show us the dance you do in your bedroom and not the dance you do at the ballroom.
#4
First off, Jammy can I steal that dance in your bedroom/ballroom line? Haha

But what Jammy said was spot on. I'm just going to add a little bit and hope it helps. Hopefully you don't feel like we are ganging up on you, because we truly just want to help.

I feel Like you are trying too hard. And IMHO words like "Ennui" come across as the writer trying too hard to sound smart. They don't elicit much feeling from the reader. It's nice to have a big vocabulary, but words are tools. And you wouldn't use a wrench when you need a screwdriver. Just my 2 cents, hope it helps.
Last edited by bluesybilly at Mar 19, 2016,
#5
Assuming your song title is "I'm done" . . . the first line being "I can't stop" defeats you right from the instant you begin.

You're done but you can't stop? You're finished but you're just getting started?

You may wish to rethink the perspective on that.

I would never flame you or anyone who has balls enough to post anything they composed. But, mate, that one needs a bit of work, eh.
“High fly ball into right field. She is… gone!" - Vin Scully
#6
And write more songs.

I do not ever want to discourage anyone.

Write more, friend. Write every day. And then re-write and pick apart and re-assemble and then re-assemble the re-assembly.

And then consider how it all could be even better. Arrange the arrays and then rearrange the arrays. Until . . . it's just right.
“High fly ball into right field. She is… gone!" - Vin Scully
Last edited by Standard_A440 at Mar 19, 2016,