#1
i.


I am six years old.
the boys tease me for being fat
and because of my name.
the girls don't say anything.
I wear the same uniform as all the other kids.

I had a friend from pre-school that I missed.
she had brown skin like me.
I couldn't remember her phone number:
we used to call each other and
make up bad knock-knock jokes for hours.
I pressed the buttons anyway
and called random numbers
hoping she'd pick up.

she didn't.


ii.


I am fourteen years old.
I am in love with my boyfriend.
I told him I'd give him his (and my) first blow job
if he aced his summer class.
he does - so I do.

I hope he stays with me
but I know he won't
so I wait.

to get to his house, I tell my parents
that his name is Jessica.
they know he isn't Jessica,
but they don't know much else.
he is not close enough to bike to
or else I would.

high school starts and he dumps me.
he still asks for the nude pictures
I had agreed to take.


iii.

I am in the liquor store and
a woman I hadn't met yet yells
"hey! you're my neighbor.
I see you walking around -
you have beautiful skin.
I want that exact color."


iv.

a man on my computer screen
tells me he loves brown skin
as he jerks off
and asks to see more.


v.
my aunts see me after years.
they chirp to each other
about how beautiful I've become,
but how I'd look less poor
if I didn't spend so much time
in the sun.
they tell me I am burnt,
but that I have a
"model face."

my father was from the villages.
he has skin like dark coffee.
I look
like a stained version
of my cousins.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal at Mar 27, 2016,
#2
Pardon my french, but holy fuck. This is amazing. I don't know where to start. People that can't relate to this relate to this. That's how good it is. Thank you for sharing this.
#3
Your image in the final stanza is incredibly strong.

"for my name" doesn't read quite right. I think you could reword it, it makes the start a little more awkward than it should be. I'm not sure if it's a typo or not in line four, but that line too really muddied your opening in my read. After the start you seem a lot more sure of yourself and there's little I can probably offer that you're not already thinking of. I'm pretty sure the last piece of yours I posted on was something tiny and short, and I commented that your better when you let yourself have time to construct an idea. This is what I meant, like a rich red wine that's been left to breathe rather than a quick shot of schnapps.
#4
you write a bit like bukowski (don't care whether or not he's liked/hated here). he has no need for abstraction because his life experiences and strong, straightforward descriptions are enough to provoke a reaction from the reader. something real. it's a refreshing thing to see.
#5
This makes me a bit angry.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
thank you everyone for your feedback; it is highly appreciated. your thoughts give me confidence to write more personally.


Quote by culex-knight
This makes me a bit angry.

"affected" angry or "offended" angry (or neither)(or both perhaps)?? I'm curious
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#7
This works every bit as well written as it does spoken. Full of clarity and directness.

my father was from the villages.
he has skin like dark coffee.


The tenses don't agree in these lines. That's all I can nitpick.
#8
Quote by vintage x metal

"affected" angry or "offended" angry (or neither)(or both perhaps)?? I'm curious


Affected.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
Quote by culex-knight
Affected.

Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja